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I am trying to turn everything around, make it better get my feet on the ground again. I am tired of making all these mistakes because of the way that I feel inside.
I think that I have been handling the break up all wrong, masking my feelings instead of dealing with them. Even though I broke it off doesn't matter, it still hurts me more than I think anyone could understand.
I feel guilty all the time for my actions since the break up, and even some leading up to it.
This is my version of owning up to it right now.
I know that I should not have been talking to another guy, in my mind I might as well have physically cheated. That's how guilty I feel anyways.
I will admit that He is a rebound in the sense that I put a lot of energy into wanting it to become something substantial, and stupid fantasies that girls usually get. But, The feelings are real, not rebound feelings. Cause when I think about the actual feelings, I get scared and I wanna run.
They say you can't help who you fall in love with, and I believe that 100% percent. Because I try to change my feelings a lot. It never really works out. Hell I still love and care about Troy more than my own self. I just know that sometimes you have to take your own healthiness into considerations and not just what you feel you should do. I also believe in the long run I think that everything is better off with us apart.
I don't think i believe in only falling in love once anymore. Because, I think we are capable of loving more than one person, I just think the kind of love is different and I think that it can change. You can start with loving someone as a friend and it become more than that. You can start loving someone as more than a friend and it become just friendly. I still love Troy but, it changed. Now i admit I love someone else in a non friendship way.
I know I have a lot of love to give, and I know that I should be careful with my heart especially not that I have had it broken. But, I think i put a lot of myself into people because, what I really want is just one person to return it back to me.
I have not experienced that yet.
I know people love me, I am not trying to say nobody does. But, to love someone so much so passionately, to love someone so much it changes everything, the way I love has never happened. I am still waiting for that.
But, I think I am slowly healing and being okay by myself again. I think a lot of credit is due to a fortune cookie ha ha. It says "stop searching forever happiness is just next to you"
Which can be interpreted differently but, i interpreted it as, Happiness is a choice you make for yourself, you can choose to mope and be sad, and do stupid stuff. Or you can face everything head on and just realize happiness comes from yourself, and that you don't need to look for it to find it. Its already there.
So yes a fortune changed my perspective, but I don't care how silly that may seem, it was helpful and that is all that matters.
