I have no idea how to work the new blog layout... but i somehow got to this point and this is all i really wanted to do so i guess it was a success?

I love being independent, truly it is the most freeing thing. I know that I have my own back and when nobody is here for me or on my side I can be. But, sometimes I need somebody and thats why family is becoming more important to me. If you know me you know that my family is a struggle. But, I am learning to look past everything and move forward. Because some days I don't have a handle on anything, Sometimes I want to do things I shouldn't call people I told myself numerous times I wasn't gonna call, but I have learned on those days I can always call my family and watch Ru Pauls drag race or work on puzzles with my sister and finish them in record time. Things are beginning to look better for me, Slowly I will be over losing everything important to me, but gain the things that should have been important in the first place.

My mom has made me who I am whether I am happy about that or not. She's crazy, wild, inappropriate, sassy, cute, hard working, outspoken, strong, and independent. I love her to pieces she taught me how to fend for myself, how to work. She and I have had the worst relationship back in the day but, forgiveness is a powerful thing. Life is too short to stick on to all that negative. We have a good relationship now, a work in progress though. I am excited to get a place with her, it is only build our relationship more. Plus I will be less lonely with her around. I love my momma.

My sister is amazing, we fight and get on each others nerves most of the time but, the funnest of times are always with her. I know that if a song comes on and the singer is being ridiculous me and my sister are gonna both be thinking the same thing and we're ready to imitate. I love singing hit me with a text all weird with her, bringing Nsync back and realizing how fucked up their songs really are, and also rocking out to Madonna and looking over seeing a man in a red SUV enjoying the show but continuing anyway. Me and my sister are fly as hell and I love her to death. She's my best friend and my worst enemy but, thats a sister right?

The Pursuit of Happiness

I would like to be happy. I think thats what everyone wants and everyone can have it. The truth is most people aren't and it's because they stop working for it.
I am in the section of stopped working for it.
Happiness is probably the best thing to have, easy to get, but the most difficult thing to maintain.

time to get to work.

here it goes, pretty much a confession

I have not written on here in a long time but tonight i felt inspired enough i guess. Well lately everything has been a huge mess. Pretty much made worse because of me, but what can you do?

I am trying to turn everything around, make it better get my feet on the ground again. I am tired of making all these mistakes because of the way that I feel inside.

I think that I have been handling the break up all wrong, masking my feelings instead of dealing with them. Even though I broke it off doesn't matter, it still hurts me more than I think anyone could understand.

I feel guilty all the time for my actions since the break up, and even some leading up to it.

This is my version of owning up to it right now.

I know that I should not have been talking to another guy, in my mind I might as well have physically cheated. That's how guilty I feel anyways.

I will admit that He is a rebound in the sense that I put a lot of energy into wanting it to become something substantial, and stupid fantasies that girls usually get. But, The feelings are real, not rebound feelings. Cause when I think about the actual feelings, I get scared and I wanna run.

They say you can't help who you fall in love with, and I believe that 100% percent. Because I try to change my feelings a lot. It never really works out. Hell I still love and care about Troy more than my own self. I just know that sometimes you have to take your own healthiness into considerations and not just what you feel you should do. I also believe in the long run I think that everything is better off with us apart.

I don't think i believe in only falling in love once anymore. Because, I think we are capable of loving more than one person, I just think the kind of love is different and I think that it can change. You can start with loving someone as a friend and it become more than that. You can start loving someone as more than a friend and it become just friendly. I still love Troy but, it changed. Now i admit I love someone else in a non friendship way.

I know I have a lot of love to give, and I know that I should be careful with my heart especially not that I have had it broken. But, I think i put a lot of myself into people because, what I really want is just one person to return it back to me.

I have not experienced that yet.

I know people love me, I am not trying to say nobody does. But, to love someone so much so passionately, to love someone so much it changes everything, the way I love has never happened. I am still waiting for that.

But, I think I am slowly healing and being okay by myself again. I think a lot of credit is due to a fortune cookie ha ha. It says "stop searching forever happiness is just next to you"

Which can be interpreted differently but, i interpreted it as, Happiness is a choice you make for yourself, you can choose to mope and be sad, and do stupid stuff. Or you can face everything head on and just realize happiness comes from yourself, and that you don't need to look for it to find it. Its already there.

So yes a fortune changed my perspective, but I don't care how silly that may seem, it was helpful and that is all that matters.