Make love not war

I don't know whats worse, war or making love instead of it.
It was that phrase that i found on a car parked outside of Muse that the life i have been living is not the life for me. I absolutely love it though. It will be hard on my part to let go of everything that creeped its way in.
I need to get back to life of a christian.
What does that even look like?
I want to be me, but I can't. I mess shit up and I end up scared and alone.
I need God to show me what it means to be a follower of God because, clearly people have no clue, even the ones who think they do.
I want Jesus above all else no matter how much pain and how much joy that will bring.
I think that Jesus is hard for me because, I want to see the end result of something so good before i'll trust it. I am like that with people as well. I once thought it was a good thing to be so careful so cautious but i am finding out that was as much of a mess up as anything else.
Faithwalkers. Faithwalkers. Faithwalkers.
It's giving me a headache most of all. It is clear that God used this as a test for me ALREADY i haven't even left Utah haha oh baby, this is gonna be a kick ass conference (literally).
With all the trials I faced i was about ready to say fuck it and give up.
I didn't though because It all comes back to Jesus and that the money is taken care of the arrangements are taken care of, everything is taken care of. Everything is going to be alright if i trust Jesus. Sure i can place temporary trust but, its the real trust he deserves.
But, yet he waits and I fail to understand why. It might be hard and it might take awhile but at least i know he is a friend that sticks around. I love him no doubt but trust is a whole other concept and it took me 14 years of my life to figure out i loved him imagine how long it will take for trust.