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I hate waking up ridiculously angry.
It's a common occurrence in my life and I really wish it would just go away. What good does it do to be angry? I am pretty sure God doesn't want me to wake up that way, it's like a personality disorder or something. This problem freaks me out because, it brings out my dad in me. My biggest fear is to end up with another him in my life. One is more than enough for me.
I hate how ridiculously bitter I am, and how completely not in control of it I am. It's not like I sit here and want to feel bitter towards my dad. I hate that I am and yet it doesn't go away. I have come to realize something about my faith in God, and that it is really solid in most areas but it is totally weak almost non existent when it comes to my dad. I have so much pain and hurt and I know that God is in control and that he is gonna take care of me but, sometimes it doesn't feel real. I just want all this to disappear and I try my hardest to make it disappear but, I have wasted my time. God doesn't want it to just disappear he wants me to grow through it. Really though, I have no choice because it is part of my life and I will be dealing with this probably my whole life. Another realization is the fact that God should be enough, and he is enough but, I haven't really believed that for a long time. I find myself wishing that just one person would understand what I am going through, I wish that people I have confided in wouldn't let me down. I am so tired of feeling stupid for my feelings. Nobody will ever know how I feel though, nobody will ever understand that this hurts and it sucks and it's not as easy as it is made out to be. I am tired of keeping this locked inside, I want to confront it but I don't know how. I don't want to hear that I have to just get over it and move forward. It's not that simple, as much as I would like it to be . Maybe I am being a baby, no I am definitely being a baby. God is totally sufficient, he understands what i am going through, he has been here all along and I am just to stupid and too blind to even recognize that. It doesn't matter if I ever meet that one person who just understands and doesn't try to give me advice or any of the shit I don't need. Because my comfort can and should come from Jesus. I have to learn to seek God first.

It's funny

This whole time I forgot about blogging and tried out the talk to a close friend thing ( which was definitely not working out for me) my life just got even more suckier and it just kept building up. So here I am back to square one.

Sometimes, I think that people just don't understand the concept of listen and understand. Just because I am talking to them about some tough situations going on in my life does not mean that I want advice. Most of the time I know the answers, I know exactly what needs to happen but, I can't move past something if I am always shutting down my emotions down and basically telling myself "No, it is not okay to be hurting right now"
Since when was that ever fair? My heart probably hates me because that happens quite frequently.

Anyways, lately I have kind of been angry with God. I have been angry with a lot of things though. I have been angry with God and I know that there is no justifiable reason behind that because God is perfect and LOVING and there is absolutely no reason to be angry with him ever. I am human though so I do get angry and it is occasionally directed at God. I just think that sometimes it is unfair that It does not seem like it is acceptable to other people that I make bad choices. Yes everyone, I AM HUMAN and I make bad choices most of the time. I guess I am just looking for someone to blame, when really there is nobody but myself to blame. I definitely put myself at a higher standard and unfortunately it is one that I have a difficult time reaching. So I can see why other people would too. I am so thankful that I do have a loving God who looks at me and all he sees is the good in me. I love that I can remember that and know that it is 100% true and that keeps me grounded. At the end of the day Gods opinion is the only one that matters to me.

There are no ways to guess how a person is going to be. I might think that I know who I am one day and then the next day I have no idea. Usually, when I feel like things are sucking and not ever going right and it's to the point I would rather crawl into a dark hole instead of walking out that front door, that is when I don't remember who I am.
All the events that have been happening in my life (which I do not need to list) have been eating away at who I am or who I thought I was and it all goes back to this: God makes me who I am. In all of this shit he is growing me and I still believe that in order to be grown into a new stronger person God has to eliminate the Old. For example, when a snake gets a new layer of skin or scales, whatever they have to shed off the old. That is exactly the same concept.
So, I guess I should embrace the suffering, yes?