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I hate waking up ridiculously angry.
It's a common occurrence in my life and I really wish it would just go away. What good does it do to be angry? I am pretty sure God doesn't want me to wake up that way, it's like a personality disorder or something. This problem freaks me out because, it brings out my dad in me. My biggest fear is to end up with another him in my life. One is more than enough for me.
I hate how ridiculously bitter I am, and how completely not in control of it I am. It's not like I sit here and want to feel bitter towards my dad. I hate that I am and yet it doesn't go away. I have come to realize something about my faith in God, and that it is really solid in most areas but it is totally weak almost non existent when it comes to my dad. I have so much pain and hurt and I know that God is in control and that he is gonna take care of me but, sometimes it doesn't feel real. I just want all this to disappear and I try my hardest to make it disappear but, I have wasted my time. God doesn't want it to just disappear he wants me to grow through it. Really though, I have no choice because it is part of my life and I will be dealing with this probably my whole life. Another realization is the fact that God should be enough, and he is enough but, I haven't really believed that for a long time. I find myself wishing that just one person would understand what I am going through, I wish that people I have confided in wouldn't let me down. I am so tired of feeling stupid for my feelings. Nobody will ever know how I feel though, nobody will ever understand that this hurts and it sucks and it's not as easy as it is made out to be. I am tired of keeping this locked inside, I want to confront it but I don't know how. I don't want to hear that I have to just get over it and move forward. It's not that simple, as much as I would like it to be . Maybe I am being a baby, no I am definitely being a baby. God is totally sufficient, he understands what i am going through, he has been here all along and I am just to stupid and too blind to even recognize that. It doesn't matter if I ever meet that one person who just understands and doesn't try to give me advice or any of the shit I don't need. Because my comfort can and should come from Jesus. I have to learn to seek God first.