I am confused.

I think that one of the biggest frustrations for me when it comes to God, is the fact that why questions get me nowhere.
Once I start asking why I can't stop.
I don't understand God, and it doesn't help that I am struggling right now.
I've tried for years to understand the good in living with my fucked up family and I came to the conclusion I see none.
I finally got a place to stay and I was loving every minute of it, and my walk with God was going good, I was fully in love with Troy and it just seemed like everything made sense.
About around that time, I had one of the worst times of my life.
Everything came crashing down and it happened so quickly I didn't know what to do but, sleep.
All I knew is that God was there for me, and Troy was right by my side.
Somehow everything got back to decent ground, and I ended up with another amazing place to be. I loved living with Troy, I loved where things were going with us.
But, I was still struggling with God.

Now, everything is so messed up. I am still struggling with God, trying to get back to the right place again. I don't know what I want. I ask those damn why questions and that just ends up making me pissed off at someone.
All I know is that things will be okay because God is good.
I don't believe it but, he's proved me wrong before.

it's been a long time...

wow, so i have not used my blog in so long not like anyone reads it though. Anyways, my life is so different now. I read my previous posts and I don't even know the girl who posted them.
I want to get back to that place where all that mattered to me was my relationship with Christ. I miss him.
I don't want to worry about what people think of me or what people want me to do. I am going to do whatever it is I believe in, I am gonna get back to that.

The God i was believing in was a cruel and false God because the God i fell in love with is the exact opposite.
God is not a cruel heartless asshole. God is loving forgiving friend.
the only way to describe what God is like is comparing to a human friendship but knowing that it is ten times better than that.
I know God loves me for me no matter what I am doing. I know that is not an excuse to do whatever the fuck i want but at the same time i shouldn't beat myself up over every little
sinful thing that I do. Why should I do that when God forgets about it and moves on?

so, I am still lost and confused but, it shouldn't be hard to fall back in love with God. It shouldn't be hard to change my mindset and put it in the right place. But, this time around I am gonna have it a personal relationship now. Screw church, bible studies, all of that shit. I love it and I enjoy those things but, I don't wanna let it get in the way of my relationship with God.
Yes, they are a good source of info but, it is up to me how i apply it and if i apply it not anyone else.
I refuse to get mixed up in other peoples hopes for me or opinions on how life should be.

It's time to stop looking for the right way to live life, because there isn't one way to live it that fits every person. It's time to start living it and just rolling with whatever comes my way and of course, having God doing it right along with me.