identity crisis? maybe?

I have come to realize that no matter how much i think that i know about myself i know absolutely nothing at all. i think i am at the stage in my life, where everything is becoming real but, not too real. I realize that who i was a year ago is not who i am today but the person i am going to be tomorrow is not what i am today? i am not sure if that makes any sense at all. I just feel like growing up but, then i realize i am just a kid. I wanna do things that are brilliant but, i dont want to get proud. I want to be perfect in weakness but, I dont want to be weak. These are normal things to be going through as a 16 year old i think but, it makes it twice as hard when you add God into the equation. I need to please him before i please myself but, also what comes along with being a teenager is the whole "its all about me" attitude. Gal i wish that you just woke up and knew who you were. I know what i stand for and that is Jesus but, I am clueless to who the person in the mirror is. So, yeah thats my life lately. 

i believe this is the best poem

Valentine for Ernest Mann

You can't order a poem like you order a taco.
Walk up to the counter, say, "I'll take two"
and expect it to be handed back to you
on a shiny plate.

Still, I like your spirit.
Anyone who says, "Here's my address,
write me a poem," deserves something in reply.
So I'll tell you a secret instead:
poems hide. In the bottoms of our shoes,
they are sleeping. They are the shadows
drifting across our ceilings the moment
before we wake up. What we have to do
is live in a way that lets us find them.

Once I knew a man who gave his wife
two skunks for a valentine.
He couldn't understand why she was crying.
"I thought they had such beautiful eyes."
And he was serious. He was a serious man
who lived in a serious way. Nothing was ugly
just because the world said so. He really
liked those skunks. So, he reinvented them
as valentines and they became beautiful.
At least, to him. And the poems that had been hiding
in the eyes of the skunks for centuries
crawled out and curled up at his feet.

Maybe if we reinvent whatever our lives give us
we find poems. Check your garage, the odd sock
in your drawer, the person you almost like, but not quite.
And let me know.

- Naomi Shihab Nye

Divine Romance

I love that song. I mean oh my gosh such an amazing song. 

yes Lord I want to sing and dance for you!

I want nothing more than people to say that girl loves jesus. 

I want nothing more than people loving Jesus!

I have fallen down but i havent given up. 

We all go through time where we just have had it our lives seem like God is just not working and he is not caring about our feelings but its not true and I know it now. 

Tonight was an awakening for me. Mikaela could have done some things other than church but she literally battled herself to get to church and i need to be an example to her otherwise that may not happen again. 

Its time to stop being selfish its time to put more attention into other people and put more effort into Gods glory. 

I want this romance with my lord my god to grow and it wont be growing if i spend more effort into myself than others. I believe strongly that if you want to grow in the Lord it starts and ends with Jesus and Jesus focused on other people. 

LORD I AM READY NOW DO WHAT YOU WILL!

these songs we sing out to the Lord are relevant and we need to practice what we preach or we need to do what we say we will. 

If it takes blood, sweat, and tears i will make it through this funk that i have been in i will not let all that i have worked for with my Jesus to perish. NO more am i going to waste my life. NO MORE.

"For You I sing I dance

Rejoice in this divine romance
Lift my heart and my hands
To show my love"

sex, drugs, and rock and roll...

Why is it that everything that is out there musically has something to do with either sex, drugs, or rock and roll?
When did life start revolving around shit like that instead of if you can actually compose real music?
Sure there are some amazing musicians but nobody pays attention to them.

Anyways, that was just me venting while listening to a radio station haha.
The real point: I feel my friends passing and going, I am really wayyy to dramatic. I get so sad over everything these days and i cant help but wonder what happened to carefree Maquel?
People can make up their own minds about who they wanna know and who they don't and i know that but somehow it still hurts all the same.
I probably should learn to just be happy with my life now not later?
If i dont set expectations i cant be upset. God is much bigger than any expectation i set and its not fair to put that on him. i have been in a funk that i cant seem to shake.which only adds to the life falling apart feeling. Hmmm....life should not be so complicated lol.

funny

i think that God is funny, in a the funniest most amazingest manner.
When everything gets haywire and you wanna just run and give up on him, it takes one day not even that to change your mind.
Hes a good God unlike any other kind of God that i have seeked before. He is even more different then he was a year ago.
Genesis is the right way to get people serious, so much so that it can save the world, with that book alone.
Revelation is the scared shitless kinda book, where you get scared but then remember the awesome savior who just happened to save you from all the horrible things that are coming.
Yay to God for staying consistent and staying amazing from beginning to end.
sometimes Genesis makes me kinda happy that sin happened, cause it makes me wonder if i would still think God was amazing if i hadnt sinned so damn much.

I am finally back on track with these blogs, they mean nothing if they arent about Jesus.

...

I hate how Satan makes it easy for people to blame dumb shit on God.

alone...

so lately, ive been alone pretty much everyday not counting school and its really put me inside my head. Im stressed because i might not have enough money for a place when im 18 which is NEXT year. I probably dont have the grades or the money for college, so i guess im going to be flippin burgers for the rest of my life. Hey! that sounds like such a wonderful future to look forward too.
I am not sure what God has planned for my life but honestly it doesnt look good at all.
God is good i dont doubt it one bit, its just i have no friends, no money, no 4.0, no time, i am finding it hard to be an optimist when your basically a loser.
I knew that my life had to get bad again, usually that happens when you think your doing alright.
what happened to my friends, i didnt think i was that bad of a person.
I am learning that family is really all you have in life, and i barely have that.