I have my moments

Today, was very bad.
Sometimes, I have days where I make mistakes that hurt other people.
Today I made a decision that hurt the person I love.

I try, really I do to be a nice person. It has been a big struggle, because I am a very rude person.
Sometimes, I lose control of my self and I get so mad or so hurt or so whatever it kind of takes over and I am no longer being rational.

However, it is a time like this that makes me appreciate what I have.
I can yell at Troy and then take the fuck off without even clarifying the precise reason behind it
and call him like an hour after, because I am sorry and mad at myself for acting so dumb and all he says is "It's okay, you were mad, you are allowed to get mad"

Relationships are hard, anyone who has ever been in one would know that. Sometimes I try to look for the purpose because it gets lost in all the chaos.
I usually find it. Usually.
I know that I can fight with Troy and can feel totally out of control of it and I can feel like nothing was accomplished and that our problems are worse than they were to begin with but, I know that we will work it out. Even when I am feeling sure I want to just end it because that is the easier option, something keeps me from doing it and I am thankful for that everytime because, we will work it out.
We love each other too much to not work it out.

I hate the hard moments, but I always end up getting so much closer to God, and I love that.

I have been reminded lately about God being a common bond among christians. If God is a part of the relationship then even when I hate every thing about a person I can always work it out because God is the strongest part of life, and the strongest part of a relationship. I love that assurance.

Also, I am a rambler. For real.

Where is the love?

I feel like I can learn a lot from other peoples messes.
I have seen the destruction of not following God, and I am terrified of ever not following God now. I have been struggling for a while now with my relationship with God and I have been getting the wake up call I needed.
I want God more than I ever have before.
I have realized the biggest thing in the world, in the church, in everything, and that is LOVE.
The simple four letter word that is never easy, because it is too easy.
God just loves us, he just does, it's easy for him to love us.
He loves the broken parts, he loves us when we are making foolish mistakes, he loves us when we don't love him, he loves us when we are too hurt or too broken to even feel a damn thing, HE LOVES US. Why is is so hard to feel that love? Why is it so hard to see it? Why is it so hard to extend that love to our friends, our coworkers, the strangers on the street, our family, just anybody?
Why can't we just love because God loves? Why can't it just happen?
People struggle, people do bad things, people do good things, people suck, people hurt others, people say rude things to people, people make people feel like shit, people do a lot of things that cause a lot of hurt in a lot of people. It is just what we do.
What God does is the exact opposite, he just loves, he just helps, he just listens, he just comforts, he just is good and he just is God.
God is the only reason I can live happy, God is the only purpose I can look forward to when everything sucks, I want to love like God loves me, I want to love God so much that I can't even walk, I want it to be the realest thing in my life.
I want to work on myself and how I look at the people around me. I want to not see any of the sin, I want to just see people who need me to love them.
Sometimes, the lines get blurred. Sometimes trying to love someone ends up just hurting them. Sometimes knowing what to do or what to say is so fuzzy, but i think that when that happens the focus should be on finding what you shouldn't do and what you shouldn't say instead.
Sometimes the most powerful moments, the most helpful moments are in the silence.