Everyone had their something

I have nobody but God to love me and comfort me. It scares me to realize that.

I wanted to find it in a man. Because I've always missed it here on earth. I see people who are able to find it in this life and some of them can even find it in God as well. It makes me wonder what they're chasing. Everyone has something they're looking for. I am envious of a lot of people because of the human relationships they're able to keep. I mostly just screw up the relationships in mine. It would be nice to be able to keep one not just keep one but, keep one close.

Then again I have no idea what I want. I need to find that healthy balance between the world and God. Despite what anyone might believe or say I have realized that God is enough but, he knows each of us and he knows that while we are here on earth that we require a lot more. He knows that I am gonna fuck up constantly and that I might find ways to justify myself. When really sin is just sin. But, I can't help but think that God laughs sometimes at the dumb shit we do. I know he hurts as well but I think sometimes he has to let us figure out on our own. If he is my friend, my father than I believe he has no other choice. I am stubborn and I usually learn better from dealing with my consequences rather than believing that someone is gonna save me before anything bad happens. Because, all that does it make me question him when something bad "slips through the cracks" God lets us experience things for ourselves but, he knows when he needs to step in and help.

I know that my struggles eventually help me learn but they still suck. I hate feeling like sleep is all I have. I hate being a zombie. I hate my unhealthy habits. But, all of it reminds me that I love God and that He loves me.
It reminds me that this world is only temporary and I know where I am going when I leave and it's to paradise.

"The Lord is my shepherd I have all that I need." -Psalm 23:1