the fifteenth time i get something from a paramore song

"The tragedy, it seems unending
I'm watching everyone I looked up to break and bending
We're taking shortcuts and false solutions
Just to come out the hero
Well I can see behind the curtain (I can see, yeah yeah)
The wheels are cranking, turning,
It's all wrong the way we're working
Towards a goal, that's nonexistent
It's nonexistent, but we just keep believing"

We are such selfish, prideful, individuals. Living to glorify ourselves.

I get so frustrated with myself i want to do what God wants me to but, my flesh screams that i need to do what i shouldnt do.

I wish i could take the easy way out and just surrender but thats not an option.

Jesus is the only thing that should matter and he should come above all else. I can't wait to get out of this slump and just step back up with jesus in my focus.

In my life...

I was listening to the almost today and it hit me: "Why do, you spread your arms and tell me I'm free. Why do you wanna be in my life, in my life"

I sometimes wonder what exactly keeps God around, Its not like we live for him most of the time. But, when we fall he picks us off of the ground. I love that. Its true love and it is something i struggle to feel like i deserve. Sometimes i wish i could be a normal teenager, one who falls in "love", just has fun for the sake of fun, Lives for the moment, and no worries.
Then i remember that I was that girl at some point minus the "love" part. Why does it have to be so appealing to live the life of this world?
I mean dammit it sounds a hell of a lot easier than living up to a lot of expectations, mostly ones that i set for myself because i know the way, which is Jesus.
I know I know its not supposed to be easy because its exactly the opposite of what we are programmed to live like. It is still frustrating sometimes, and sometimes i just wanna give it up.
Sometimes it just gets too tiring, and I feel like that's probably meaning i am not doing it right.
Sometimes, i want to forget it all and just fall in love like a normal human being. But whenever I find myself liking someone ( which is pretty rare) It sticks to my heart like glue, consuming every thought, and then i realize that I have to unstick it, and its unbearably hard this time.

"I wanna always feel like part of this was mine, I wanna fall in love tonight"

sometimes i forget how awesome God is. How no matter what happens he is still God and that is enough for me.

victorious

Jesus tells us many times the we have victory because of God. Well, we do but i think there is a very small catch. Do I choose to live in that victory? Is God victorious in my life, in my hearts, in my mind?

Do I let God win? Or do I simply get in the way?

words are cheap but love it speaks the volumes that make our hearts grow weak.

1 john 3:18-20

Was really mind blowing for me in my quiet time today. It brought me back to reality a little bit.

God is totally greater than our feelings. He has the ability to bring sadness to happiness and thats probably why i love him so much. He does more than i could ever do on my own (which is very much appreciated) and he does more than i could ever imagine. He has the answers to everything even before i begin asking for them. Gods love is more than just silly words. Its the kind of love that brings chills to my bones. It shakes the earth. His love is real and unmovable its unconditional and eternal and I could never ask for anything more than that.

God is Good.

i felt really bad this weekend, but yet sooo good.

I love my friends, more than i ever have ever. I feel accepted now not that it ever really mattered but, it does feel good to feel like your just liked for who you are and not what you are. I love the Ohana they are great people. I felt bad because I chose fun over Church on friday. Which was absolutely pointless because we ended up waiting in line for nearly an hour and a half and spent most of the party trying to track down Taylor and JJ who just decided to vanish. So many things that night just reminded me Church comes first. I didnt put it before God though, which is a good thing more so than church. Still, Church is a huge part of my life and my walk with Christ. Im so happy for Shantae shes finally realized that Jesus is the only way and shes really seeing it clearly now. Praise GOD! Also, i didnt die learning Stick Shift and im feeling good :)

joy

"always be joyful" 1 thessalonians 5:16

Today i felt a strange joy, and i didnt necessarily have a reason for it. I love those days. Jesus wants us to have a joyful life, not one filled with drama or whatever so even if we think we have no real reason to be joyful, we should JUST DO IT!