Self-Aware

I have always been a girl who is very aware of herself. I have always known what are problem areas in my life. Or at least I thought.

I recently have figured out that I am very hypocritical on the relationships I have with people. I am always feeling neglected and unimportant to the people who claim to be my friends. I am constantly pulling away from the people in my life because, I get frustrated or annoyed or tired. I am completely okay with being by myself 24/7 thats just me. It's frustrating to have friends who never call you first, never pursue you, never call you up to just talk about things, I don't like putting in all the work all the time so I end up giving up. That doesn't mean I don't care about the people or not want them in my life it is just easier to that then to keep trying and getting more frustrated by the minute.

At the same time if my friends really cared i wouldn't be going months without speaking to them which leads me to my next issue. I have a hard time with certain people that are my "friends" because, I see qualities in them that cause me to worry about their realness. I know people who will tell me how much they don't like someone but when that someone is around act like they are best friends with that person.

That irritates me because, I don't ever want to be the one that noone likes but I have no clue because everyone is being completely fake to me. I would rather know that you hate me then to be unaware. Seriously, if you don't want to be around me then make it obvious so that way I don't annoy you any more then i have to. I could care less what people think but, I don't wanna be around a bunch of people who actually hate me.

With all that being said, All of that made me realize how hypocritical I am because, God is everything that I want in a friend, he is the only true real friend I have and I take him for granted. He puts in most of the work in our relationship lately, and I am aware of it. I have not been working on it lately. He must feel exactly how i do if not worse. He is this awesome God who never gives up on his children and he is constantly involved in my and my life and I think that I should do the same for him but, I often times don't and I hated realizing that today.

That is not a fair thing to do to the number one love in my life.

By Your Side

Paul Porter played the song By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North one time at church on Friday night. I keep thinking of it over and over.

"Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you"

I can't get over how much this song is what God has to tell me constantly and most of the time it takes me weeks to hear him.
I run so far, and so fast it is ridiculous.
I don't know what to do sometimes and instead of coming to God in my weakness I run away until I feel strong enough to come back.
Which doesn't even make any sense at all because, God is how I am strong. I have my problems my struggles my brokenness and God wants to be there for me in all of it and through all of it. It is so silly for me to run.
Things these days have not been okay, and I am just realizing now for the 24th time in my life (or something like that) that God is FOR me not AGAINST me and that he is by my side always and I need to let him be there for me.
I need to let God love me.
I need to let God hold me.
I need to let God be my comfort and my strength.

Desperate

Recently, meaning today I realized something that God has been trying to teach me.
Being desperate for God is a good thing, I need to be pouring my worries, my struggles, my heartache, my everything into him and letting it make me desperate rather than running away from him into things that are not good for me.
God is using my as a tool to teach the ladies of the womens group I attend and I am assigned to teach on the passage, Luke 7:37-48. Just like Jesus was doing in that passage teaching a lesson to the pharisee he taught me that same lesson.
Learning that it's not about how little your sin is it's about how much you recognize your need for him and respond to that need by becoming DESPERATE for him. Thats something I needed to be reminded of.

I love how God works because, he wasn't just gonna stop with that. He wasn't going to just say "oh she gets it lets move on" He wants to make it stick and sink in so again I go to Women in Training and of course Mac is talking about how we are adequate with God, that Gods grace is sufficient for us, FOR ME. That goes along with it because, I always can feel inadequate I have major personal issues with that so being reminded that, i am not is soooo good for me. Realizing running away from God because i feel inadequate is not the way to get adequate. It is me relying on him to MAKE me adequate that will do the job.

I can't do this alone and I am totally desperate for my dad.