Self-Aware

I have always been a girl who is very aware of herself. I have always known what are problem areas in my life. Or at least I thought.

I recently have figured out that I am very hypocritical on the relationships I have with people. I am always feeling neglected and unimportant to the people who claim to be my friends. I am constantly pulling away from the people in my life because, I get frustrated or annoyed or tired. I am completely okay with being by myself 24/7 thats just me. It's frustrating to have friends who never call you first, never pursue you, never call you up to just talk about things, I don't like putting in all the work all the time so I end up giving up. That doesn't mean I don't care about the people or not want them in my life it is just easier to that then to keep trying and getting more frustrated by the minute.

At the same time if my friends really cared i wouldn't be going months without speaking to them which leads me to my next issue. I have a hard time with certain people that are my "friends" because, I see qualities in them that cause me to worry about their realness. I know people who will tell me how much they don't like someone but when that someone is around act like they are best friends with that person.

That irritates me because, I don't ever want to be the one that noone likes but I have no clue because everyone is being completely fake to me. I would rather know that you hate me then to be unaware. Seriously, if you don't want to be around me then make it obvious so that way I don't annoy you any more then i have to. I could care less what people think but, I don't wanna be around a bunch of people who actually hate me.

With all that being said, All of that made me realize how hypocritical I am because, God is everything that I want in a friend, he is the only true real friend I have and I take him for granted. He puts in most of the work in our relationship lately, and I am aware of it. I have not been working on it lately. He must feel exactly how i do if not worse. He is this awesome God who never gives up on his children and he is constantly involved in my and my life and I think that I should do the same for him but, I often times don't and I hated realizing that today.

That is not a fair thing to do to the number one love in my life.