Make love not war

I don't know whats worse, war or making love instead of it.
It was that phrase that i found on a car parked outside of Muse that the life i have been living is not the life for me. I absolutely love it though. It will be hard on my part to let go of everything that creeped its way in.
I need to get back to life of a christian.
What does that even look like?
I want to be me, but I can't. I mess shit up and I end up scared and alone.
I need God to show me what it means to be a follower of God because, clearly people have no clue, even the ones who think they do.
I want Jesus above all else no matter how much pain and how much joy that will bring.
I think that Jesus is hard for me because, I want to see the end result of something so good before i'll trust it. I am like that with people as well. I once thought it was a good thing to be so careful so cautious but i am finding out that was as much of a mess up as anything else.
Faithwalkers. Faithwalkers. Faithwalkers.
It's giving me a headache most of all. It is clear that God used this as a test for me ALREADY i haven't even left Utah haha oh baby, this is gonna be a kick ass conference (literally).
With all the trials I faced i was about ready to say fuck it and give up.
I didn't though because It all comes back to Jesus and that the money is taken care of the arrangements are taken care of, everything is taken care of. Everything is going to be alright if i trust Jesus. Sure i can place temporary trust but, its the real trust he deserves.
But, yet he waits and I fail to understand why. It might be hard and it might take awhile but at least i know he is a friend that sticks around. I love him no doubt but trust is a whole other concept and it took me 14 years of my life to figure out i loved him imagine how long it will take for trust.

love

"Don't you know son that I love you?
And I don't care where you've been,
so please come home "

All Jesus wants is for me to love him back.

Say I am coming, and actually come.

He has washed my sins away and he forgives and forgets.

Its hard to not feel so unbearably dirty and keep running the opposite direction.

God does not care what so ever where we are and where we have been.

He has told everyone many times that all he wants is for us to love him and trust him with our lives.

I wanna always remember that his love is eternal and unconditional and then return that back to him.

Yet i still forget.

pessimistic optimism

I have figured out and come this conclusion"

That good things come to an end but if you trust God even better things come out of the bad and become even better even powerful than the good thing you started with.

the fifteenth time i get something from a paramore song

"The tragedy, it seems unending
I'm watching everyone I looked up to break and bending
We're taking shortcuts and false solutions
Just to come out the hero
Well I can see behind the curtain (I can see, yeah yeah)
The wheels are cranking, turning,
It's all wrong the way we're working
Towards a goal, that's nonexistent
It's nonexistent, but we just keep believing"

We are such selfish, prideful, individuals. Living to glorify ourselves.

I get so frustrated with myself i want to do what God wants me to but, my flesh screams that i need to do what i shouldnt do.

I wish i could take the easy way out and just surrender but thats not an option.

Jesus is the only thing that should matter and he should come above all else. I can't wait to get out of this slump and just step back up with jesus in my focus.

In my life...

I was listening to the almost today and it hit me: "Why do, you spread your arms and tell me I'm free. Why do you wanna be in my life, in my life"

I sometimes wonder what exactly keeps God around, Its not like we live for him most of the time. But, when we fall he picks us off of the ground. I love that. Its true love and it is something i struggle to feel like i deserve. Sometimes i wish i could be a normal teenager, one who falls in "love", just has fun for the sake of fun, Lives for the moment, and no worries.
Then i remember that I was that girl at some point minus the "love" part. Why does it have to be so appealing to live the life of this world?
I mean dammit it sounds a hell of a lot easier than living up to a lot of expectations, mostly ones that i set for myself because i know the way, which is Jesus.
I know I know its not supposed to be easy because its exactly the opposite of what we are programmed to live like. It is still frustrating sometimes, and sometimes i just wanna give it up.
Sometimes it just gets too tiring, and I feel like that's probably meaning i am not doing it right.
Sometimes, i want to forget it all and just fall in love like a normal human being. But whenever I find myself liking someone ( which is pretty rare) It sticks to my heart like glue, consuming every thought, and then i realize that I have to unstick it, and its unbearably hard this time.

"I wanna always feel like part of this was mine, I wanna fall in love tonight"

sometimes i forget how awesome God is. How no matter what happens he is still God and that is enough for me.

victorious

Jesus tells us many times the we have victory because of God. Well, we do but i think there is a very small catch. Do I choose to live in that victory? Is God victorious in my life, in my hearts, in my mind?

Do I let God win? Or do I simply get in the way?