calm

nothing makes me appreciate a calm and peaceful life more than a chaotic and horrible one.
When I am going through a hard and tough time I forget that there ever was a time that everything was just fine.
I get so wrapped up in everything that is going on because truly I care far more than any one seems to think. I get so emotionally drained every single time things happen. Sometimes, i believe that nobody gets as hurt and as messed up as me, I know that's not true at all but it feels very true when the going gets tough haha.
I thank God every day that I am weak and he is strong.
I don't need anything at all but him and he is a faithful God who comes through.
I am so blessed that I can just rest in that simple truth.
I am never doing anything alone even if everyone on this earth abandons me and I am left for dead God is always helping whether i can see it or not.
Then when everything figures itself out I just am that much more appreciative of everything.
God figures things out for us and true peace and true happiness come from him and him alone.
Even though, hurting and being hurt sucks the life out of my veins it doesn't take long before it is pumped back in.

just one thing

I love those moments in life that take your breath away.
I love the moments that will make you change your mind about everything.
You can say that you will never believe in something and then that changes in an instant.
Also, you can say you feel a certain way about someone, and that also can change in a snap of a finger.
Sometimes I hate that and sometimes it couldn't be any more welcome.
I also hate when you give your all into someone or something and never once is it returned.
It makes you feel weak, and insecure, hurt and alone, worthless and hopeless.
It is one of those moments in life that changes your mind.
I wish that people actually knew what they were feeling and that they would take the time to figure it out before someone gets hurt.
Almost always someone gets hurt.
Why in the world does hurt even exist? Sometimes it is enough for me to question my God.
He is the one thing in my life that i know i can give my all and know that i have already gotten his all.
I can relate to him in a sense, he gives his all to everyone and most people do not return that and yet he still gives his all and he is HAPPY about it.
I wish i had a heart full of unconditional love.
Who doesn't?

I wish that life was simple and people were simple.
I don't know why life is even worth all the bull shit people throw your way.

On a positive note, I love when you take a risk and it was worth it.
Maybe one day I can actually experience that firsthand.
I don't count on that ever happening to me, I give too much away to even have anything left to give at the right moment or to the right person.
I love it when i see it work out for someone, it makes all my pain completely all right.
I would rather me suffer than see anyone else suffer because, I can't control how they deal but with me I have full control over that.

Maybe one day, I will be proven wrong
that risking it all for someone or something can actually be a good thing.

prayer

well, I was greatly impacted by the same old book again, the Signature of Jesus.
Its pretty amazing. I love it so much.
I was reading it today and it just really convicted me. I will pray so much but never really want the answer or at least want the answer God is going to give me. Sometimes i ask for things but i already have my expectations laid out, God does not go with what we expect of him, EVER.
I forget that and so i just keep asking and keep asking and then wonder why later because God gave me the right answer but definitely not what i wanted at the moment.
I think that the harder the times the more thankful I am.
I love that Jesus causes suffering even though i hate it too. It builds me and makes me tough and thats always a good thing.
I need my ass kicked sometimes especially if you heard my prayers lately haha.

Idols

"the Lord your God is a devouring fire; he is a jealous God." Deuteronomy 4:24

God loves me so much that if anything i do anything i think anything i say is not about him, for him, or with him he gets filled with jealousy.

I just keep thinking of relationships i have seen where guys get so possessive and so jealous of their girls it ruins the relationship. I think that in the case of God jealousy is a good thing. Yeah crazy thought, i know. God is jealous and its a good jealousy because it keeps me wanting to calm that fire. I want to put it out! I do not want to put other things in front of God. I hunger for him and him first. That is the right kind of attitude that I need to have more of. When i hear he is a devouring fire and he is jealous it scares me and makes me ask myself, "Who is first right now?"

I love God for the sake of his endless and undying love for me. I have been reading the Signature of Jesus by Brennan Manning and it is just incredible. It reminded me that Christ loves ME so much that even if i was the only one he needed to suffer for he would do it in a heartbeat. When he died on the cross it was not for just a mass of people it was like he died a million deaths for each individual person. I think that is painfully beautiful. I sometimes wonder what the hell he sees in me, why he loves me. I shouldn't have to wonder but i do. It is comforting to know that he loves me and that there are no strings attached to it. He undoubtedly loves me wholly and unconditionally. I just wish i could love him like that.

Make love not war

I don't know whats worse, war or making love instead of it.
It was that phrase that i found on a car parked outside of Muse that the life i have been living is not the life for me. I absolutely love it though. It will be hard on my part to let go of everything that creeped its way in.
I need to get back to life of a christian.
What does that even look like?
I want to be me, but I can't. I mess shit up and I end up scared and alone.
I need God to show me what it means to be a follower of God because, clearly people have no clue, even the ones who think they do.
I want Jesus above all else no matter how much pain and how much joy that will bring.
I think that Jesus is hard for me because, I want to see the end result of something so good before i'll trust it. I am like that with people as well. I once thought it was a good thing to be so careful so cautious but i am finding out that was as much of a mess up as anything else.
Faithwalkers. Faithwalkers. Faithwalkers.
It's giving me a headache most of all. It is clear that God used this as a test for me ALREADY i haven't even left Utah haha oh baby, this is gonna be a kick ass conference (literally).
With all the trials I faced i was about ready to say fuck it and give up.
I didn't though because It all comes back to Jesus and that the money is taken care of the arrangements are taken care of, everything is taken care of. Everything is going to be alright if i trust Jesus. Sure i can place temporary trust but, its the real trust he deserves.
But, yet he waits and I fail to understand why. It might be hard and it might take awhile but at least i know he is a friend that sticks around. I love him no doubt but trust is a whole other concept and it took me 14 years of my life to figure out i loved him imagine how long it will take for trust.

love

"Don't you know son that I love you?
And I don't care where you've been,
so please come home "

All Jesus wants is for me to love him back.

Say I am coming, and actually come.

He has washed my sins away and he forgives and forgets.

Its hard to not feel so unbearably dirty and keep running the opposite direction.

God does not care what so ever where we are and where we have been.

He has told everyone many times that all he wants is for us to love him and trust him with our lives.

I wanna always remember that his love is eternal and unconditional and then return that back to him.

Yet i still forget.

pessimistic optimism

I have figured out and come this conclusion"

That good things come to an end but if you trust God even better things come out of the bad and become even better even powerful than the good thing you started with.