kind of lame, but whatever.

I can't help it, these feelings rushed in.

I want to scream, I need to breathe.

I want to win, I need to lose.

I've been playing games, playing God.

This is destroying me.

I can't help it, your all i see.

Why can't I feel any differently?

I wish i could become somebody else

somebody different.

This is building me.

I can't help it, you're challenging me.

I have been working, working too hard.

You have been working, working so easily.

I am sinking, God teach me how to swim.

You are increasing.

I can't help it, I'm stubborn.

since when was this not allowed?

I'm making things way too interesting.

I don't want this, but I am lying.

I am decreasing.

I can't help it, I'm in love.

you are the match to my slow steady heart.

It's chaotic, but i am captivated.

I am selfish, undeserving.

We are becoming.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Jesus, is my everything, and yours too.

He is shaping us, making us fit together.

He calms the static, shows me the way to go.

I am selfish, I am undeserving.

This is what grace is for.

Patience is what I need, thank God you have some.

I love you, I love you enough to work as hard as i need to.

I love you, I love you enough to sacrifice whatever i have to.

God is my focus, my treasure is you.

I just wanna know how this is all going to fit.

I trust you God, I trust you.

I want to feel, I need to feel safe.

I am in your arms, and that is forever.

You are capable, you are in control.

I don't need to worry anymore.

Prayer for my life

"A long day alone
Emptiness is so real
Never having peace of mind
Running from what I can't see
And there is nowhere left to hide
Turn and face these empty eyes
All alone, heart untold
Trying to find

Break me down replace this fear inside
Take this nothingness from me
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down

I try to find myself
I find the stranger trapped inside
And I'll take one more step away
From the face I used to recognize
Familiar shadows closing in
Suffocating fear descends
It comes alive, uncovered eyes

I'm trying to find
Break me down replace this fear inside
Take this nothingness from me
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down

Replace this fear inside
Take this nothingness from me
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down

Break me down
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down [repeat]

Break me! "

-Red

There are some things in my life that I am uncertain about, and all it amounts to is me panicking.

I need to let go and let God haha.

I just get so anxious and so scared when I don't know what is coming.

I have lost myself completely yet again and I am really frustrated about that. I want to know who I am and be secure in that but, i need to be okay with being unsure and i need to be okay with my insecurities.

I need God to show me who I am, MAKE me who I am.

I want to be the best for him, and the only way to do that is to lose myself completely.

hope in Christ.

"Don't make your living by extortion or put your hope in stealing. And if your wealth increases, don't make it the center of your life"

-Psalm 62:10

That verse i think can go in plenty different directions. Insert whatever you want in for stealing it could be anything from sex to lying or from women to men. Jesus needs to be the absolute center of my life, no matter what. I am nothing in comparison to God, and he is worthy of being the purpose of my life. I think that things can easily slip in and take full center of my life, it is easy all i have to do is let that happen and i probably don't catch it very quickly sometimes. The only true real hope that we have is in Christ. Wordly things have done nothing for me, and I don't think they do anything but leave people wanting more. It becomes this vicious cycle of trying to fill a hole that cannot be filled by anything other than Jesus Christ.

I have to ask myself everyday "Is God the absolute center of my life? the only reason I am smiling? The only reason I am breathing?"

calm

nothing makes me appreciate a calm and peaceful life more than a chaotic and horrible one.
When I am going through a hard and tough time I forget that there ever was a time that everything was just fine.
I get so wrapped up in everything that is going on because truly I care far more than any one seems to think. I get so emotionally drained every single time things happen. Sometimes, i believe that nobody gets as hurt and as messed up as me, I know that's not true at all but it feels very true when the going gets tough haha.
I thank God every day that I am weak and he is strong.
I don't need anything at all but him and he is a faithful God who comes through.
I am so blessed that I can just rest in that simple truth.
I am never doing anything alone even if everyone on this earth abandons me and I am left for dead God is always helping whether i can see it or not.
Then when everything figures itself out I just am that much more appreciative of everything.
God figures things out for us and true peace and true happiness come from him and him alone.
Even though, hurting and being hurt sucks the life out of my veins it doesn't take long before it is pumped back in.

just one thing

I love those moments in life that take your breath away.
I love the moments that will make you change your mind about everything.
You can say that you will never believe in something and then that changes in an instant.
Also, you can say you feel a certain way about someone, and that also can change in a snap of a finger.
Sometimes I hate that and sometimes it couldn't be any more welcome.
I also hate when you give your all into someone or something and never once is it returned.
It makes you feel weak, and insecure, hurt and alone, worthless and hopeless.
It is one of those moments in life that changes your mind.
I wish that people actually knew what they were feeling and that they would take the time to figure it out before someone gets hurt.
Almost always someone gets hurt.
Why in the world does hurt even exist? Sometimes it is enough for me to question my God.
He is the one thing in my life that i know i can give my all and know that i have already gotten his all.
I can relate to him in a sense, he gives his all to everyone and most people do not return that and yet he still gives his all and he is HAPPY about it.
I wish i had a heart full of unconditional love.
Who doesn't?

I wish that life was simple and people were simple.
I don't know why life is even worth all the bull shit people throw your way.

On a positive note, I love when you take a risk and it was worth it.
Maybe one day I can actually experience that firsthand.
I don't count on that ever happening to me, I give too much away to even have anything left to give at the right moment or to the right person.
I love it when i see it work out for someone, it makes all my pain completely all right.
I would rather me suffer than see anyone else suffer because, I can't control how they deal but with me I have full control over that.

Maybe one day, I will be proven wrong
that risking it all for someone or something can actually be a good thing.

prayer

well, I was greatly impacted by the same old book again, the Signature of Jesus.
Its pretty amazing. I love it so much.
I was reading it today and it just really convicted me. I will pray so much but never really want the answer or at least want the answer God is going to give me. Sometimes i ask for things but i already have my expectations laid out, God does not go with what we expect of him, EVER.
I forget that and so i just keep asking and keep asking and then wonder why later because God gave me the right answer but definitely not what i wanted at the moment.
I think that the harder the times the more thankful I am.
I love that Jesus causes suffering even though i hate it too. It builds me and makes me tough and thats always a good thing.
I need my ass kicked sometimes especially if you heard my prayers lately haha.

Idols

"the Lord your God is a devouring fire; he is a jealous God." Deuteronomy 4:24

God loves me so much that if anything i do anything i think anything i say is not about him, for him, or with him he gets filled with jealousy.

I just keep thinking of relationships i have seen where guys get so possessive and so jealous of their girls it ruins the relationship. I think that in the case of God jealousy is a good thing. Yeah crazy thought, i know. God is jealous and its a good jealousy because it keeps me wanting to calm that fire. I want to put it out! I do not want to put other things in front of God. I hunger for him and him first. That is the right kind of attitude that I need to have more of. When i hear he is a devouring fire and he is jealous it scares me and makes me ask myself, "Who is first right now?"

I love God for the sake of his endless and undying love for me. I have been reading the Signature of Jesus by Brennan Manning and it is just incredible. It reminded me that Christ loves ME so much that even if i was the only one he needed to suffer for he would do it in a heartbeat. When he died on the cross it was not for just a mass of people it was like he died a million deaths for each individual person. I think that is painfully beautiful. I sometimes wonder what the hell he sees in me, why he loves me. I shouldn't have to wonder but i do. It is comforting to know that he loves me and that there are no strings attached to it. He undoubtedly loves me wholly and unconditionally. I just wish i could love him like that.