refreshed

Well, lately life hasn't been the best, when is it ever?

In all honesty my life for the past two months has probably been the worst I have ever experience in all 18 years. Sounds dramatic, probably is. 

I didn't even know what was going wrong until yesterday, I just knew it wasn't right. 

I've learned that it is important to stick by who you are no matter what. 

Also, change is not a bad thing if done correctly. Change does not mean losing yourself completely. 

God loves me and he loves me the way that I am, changing or unchanging. PERIOD. 

I spent the last couple of months, not wanting to be this angry rude person who honestly didn't give a fuck about most people. Which is still not what I want. All that resulted in was me playing it too safe and nothing was getting resolved whenever I had issues. So if there is one good thing about being the way that I am is I get stuff handled haha. 

It made me feel like I was drowning in all the problems I was not facing. 

So I have made a decision that I would rather accidentally be a little rude and bold then not saying anything and letting it dwell and then taking it out on the person I love. 

So, I am gonna be me again and hopefully learn a positive way to handle conflicts. 

um

I hate waking up ridiculously angry.
It's a common occurrence in my life and I really wish it would just go away. What good does it do to be angry? I am pretty sure God doesn't want me to wake up that way, it's like a personality disorder or something. This problem freaks me out because, it brings out my dad in me. My biggest fear is to end up with another him in my life. One is more than enough for me.
I hate how ridiculously bitter I am, and how completely not in control of it I am. It's not like I sit here and want to feel bitter towards my dad. I hate that I am and yet it doesn't go away. I have come to realize something about my faith in God, and that it is really solid in most areas but it is totally weak almost non existent when it comes to my dad. I have so much pain and hurt and I know that God is in control and that he is gonna take care of me but, sometimes it doesn't feel real. I just want all this to disappear and I try my hardest to make it disappear but, I have wasted my time. God doesn't want it to just disappear he wants me to grow through it. Really though, I have no choice because it is part of my life and I will be dealing with this probably my whole life. Another realization is the fact that God should be enough, and he is enough but, I haven't really believed that for a long time. I find myself wishing that just one person would understand what I am going through, I wish that people I have confided in wouldn't let me down. I am so tired of feeling stupid for my feelings. Nobody will ever know how I feel though, nobody will ever understand that this hurts and it sucks and it's not as easy as it is made out to be. I am tired of keeping this locked inside, I want to confront it but I don't know how. I don't want to hear that I have to just get over it and move forward. It's not that simple, as much as I would like it to be . Maybe I am being a baby, no I am definitely being a baby. God is totally sufficient, he understands what i am going through, he has been here all along and I am just to stupid and too blind to even recognize that. It doesn't matter if I ever meet that one person who just understands and doesn't try to give me advice or any of the shit I don't need. Because my comfort can and should come from Jesus. I have to learn to seek God first.

It's funny

This whole time I forgot about blogging and tried out the talk to a close friend thing ( which was definitely not working out for me) my life just got even more suckier and it just kept building up. So here I am back to square one.

Sometimes, I think that people just don't understand the concept of listen and understand. Just because I am talking to them about some tough situations going on in my life does not mean that I want advice. Most of the time I know the answers, I know exactly what needs to happen but, I can't move past something if I am always shutting down my emotions down and basically telling myself "No, it is not okay to be hurting right now"
Since when was that ever fair? My heart probably hates me because that happens quite frequently.

Anyways, lately I have kind of been angry with God. I have been angry with a lot of things though. I have been angry with God and I know that there is no justifiable reason behind that because God is perfect and LOVING and there is absolutely no reason to be angry with him ever. I am human though so I do get angry and it is occasionally directed at God. I just think that sometimes it is unfair that It does not seem like it is acceptable to other people that I make bad choices. Yes everyone, I AM HUMAN and I make bad choices most of the time. I guess I am just looking for someone to blame, when really there is nobody but myself to blame. I definitely put myself at a higher standard and unfortunately it is one that I have a difficult time reaching. So I can see why other people would too. I am so thankful that I do have a loving God who looks at me and all he sees is the good in me. I love that I can remember that and know that it is 100% true and that keeps me grounded. At the end of the day Gods opinion is the only one that matters to me.

There are no ways to guess how a person is going to be. I might think that I know who I am one day and then the next day I have no idea. Usually, when I feel like things are sucking and not ever going right and it's to the point I would rather crawl into a dark hole instead of walking out that front door, that is when I don't remember who I am.
All the events that have been happening in my life (which I do not need to list) have been eating away at who I am or who I thought I was and it all goes back to this: God makes me who I am. In all of this shit he is growing me and I still believe that in order to be grown into a new stronger person God has to eliminate the Old. For example, when a snake gets a new layer of skin or scales, whatever they have to shed off the old. That is exactly the same concept.
So, I guess I should embrace the suffering, yes?

kind of lame, but whatever.

I can't help it, these feelings rushed in.

I want to scream, I need to breathe.

I want to win, I need to lose.

I've been playing games, playing God.

This is destroying me.

I can't help it, your all i see.

Why can't I feel any differently?

I wish i could become somebody else

somebody different.

This is building me.

I can't help it, you're challenging me.

I have been working, working too hard.

You have been working, working so easily.

I am sinking, God teach me how to swim.

You are increasing.

I can't help it, I'm stubborn.

since when was this not allowed?

I'm making things way too interesting.

I don't want this, but I am lying.

I am decreasing.

I can't help it, I'm in love.

you are the match to my slow steady heart.

It's chaotic, but i am captivated.

I am selfish, undeserving.

We are becoming.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Jesus, is my everything, and yours too.

He is shaping us, making us fit together.

He calms the static, shows me the way to go.

I am selfish, I am undeserving.

This is what grace is for.

Patience is what I need, thank God you have some.

I love you, I love you enough to work as hard as i need to.

I love you, I love you enough to sacrifice whatever i have to.

God is my focus, my treasure is you.

I just wanna know how this is all going to fit.

I trust you God, I trust you.

I want to feel, I need to feel safe.

I am in your arms, and that is forever.

You are capable, you are in control.

I don't need to worry anymore.

Prayer for my life

"A long day alone
Emptiness is so real
Never having peace of mind
Running from what I can't see
And there is nowhere left to hide
Turn and face these empty eyes
All alone, heart untold
Trying to find

Break me down replace this fear inside
Take this nothingness from me
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down

I try to find myself
I find the stranger trapped inside
And I'll take one more step away
From the face I used to recognize
Familiar shadows closing in
Suffocating fear descends
It comes alive, uncovered eyes

I'm trying to find
Break me down replace this fear inside
Take this nothingness from me
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down

Replace this fear inside
Take this nothingness from me
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down

Break me down
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down [repeat]

Break me! "

-Red

There are some things in my life that I am uncertain about, and all it amounts to is me panicking.

I need to let go and let God haha.

I just get so anxious and so scared when I don't know what is coming.

I have lost myself completely yet again and I am really frustrated about that. I want to know who I am and be secure in that but, i need to be okay with being unsure and i need to be okay with my insecurities.

I need God to show me who I am, MAKE me who I am.

I want to be the best for him, and the only way to do that is to lose myself completely.

hope in Christ.

"Don't make your living by extortion or put your hope in stealing. And if your wealth increases, don't make it the center of your life"

-Psalm 62:10

That verse i think can go in plenty different directions. Insert whatever you want in for stealing it could be anything from sex to lying or from women to men. Jesus needs to be the absolute center of my life, no matter what. I am nothing in comparison to God, and he is worthy of being the purpose of my life. I think that things can easily slip in and take full center of my life, it is easy all i have to do is let that happen and i probably don't catch it very quickly sometimes. The only true real hope that we have is in Christ. Wordly things have done nothing for me, and I don't think they do anything but leave people wanting more. It becomes this vicious cycle of trying to fill a hole that cannot be filled by anything other than Jesus Christ.

I have to ask myself everyday "Is God the absolute center of my life? the only reason I am smiling? The only reason I am breathing?"

calm

nothing makes me appreciate a calm and peaceful life more than a chaotic and horrible one.
When I am going through a hard and tough time I forget that there ever was a time that everything was just fine.
I get so wrapped up in everything that is going on because truly I care far more than any one seems to think. I get so emotionally drained every single time things happen. Sometimes, i believe that nobody gets as hurt and as messed up as me, I know that's not true at all but it feels very true when the going gets tough haha.
I thank God every day that I am weak and he is strong.
I don't need anything at all but him and he is a faithful God who comes through.
I am so blessed that I can just rest in that simple truth.
I am never doing anything alone even if everyone on this earth abandons me and I am left for dead God is always helping whether i can see it or not.
Then when everything figures itself out I just am that much more appreciative of everything.
God figures things out for us and true peace and true happiness come from him and him alone.
Even though, hurting and being hurt sucks the life out of my veins it doesn't take long before it is pumped back in.