lessons

Sometimes, you have to go down the wrong path, in order to turn around and get on the right one.
Ive spent my life living on the "good" path. Obeying mostly everything...
It all got flipped around somewhere along the way and ive realized that i am not on the right path at all. The only right one is the one that i am walking on when Jesus is holding my hand.
I truly know for a fact that you have to do some bad to do some good.
If i never made mistakes, i wouldnt be able to learn anything.
So now simply the mistakes ive made, all the disobedience, the lying, the ditching class, the sneaking out, etc. Have made me stronger.
Surely, not everything has a purpose yet, but God wont just forget about it.
He has a purpose for every move, every breath, we just have to wait wait wait.
I hate waiting, im pretty impatient. but right off the bat i knew God was teaching me to wait...
and i must have forgot because he just taught me again with almost the same situation but i controlled myself a lot better.
Bless the Lord, O my soul and all that is within me
bless his holy name.

.........

Fuck.

content

its hard to be content with your life.
I am finding that out lately.
When i actually have friends who want to be around me,
i am not happy.
When i dont,
i am even more sad.
I usually stray so far away from people,
it would help if they tried to get to know me?
seriously, i have no clue what my deal is.

im the only one to blame

To tell you the truth, i am def. not looking forward to life today.
I find it funny how when i couldnt fall asleep until really late God someone manages to get me up at my favorite time. 10am.
i laughed at that.
I love how God works, even if i dont like surprises.
It reminded me of how much he wants me happy even if i dont want it for myself.
So basically now i am excited for life today.
Just thinking about it makes it a little more better.
Ill probably be in a bad mood at the end of the day but,
thats okay with me as long as its at the end.

tired and uninspired

Bleh.
thats my word of choice lately.
Its so hard, trying to be yourself these days.
I dont want to look at myself 10 years ago and say wow ive changed completely, who am i?
i wanna be able to at least recognize my own face. If that makes sense?
I wanna still be wearing skinny jeans, even when nobody else likes them anymore, because flares have came back.
I wanna still have my gauges, even when nobody else likes them.
I wanna still wear no make-up even if everyone decides its better.
I want to do what i like.
God is happy with whoever we are.
I am tired of everyone, trying to change their image, just because, well basically because theres no real reason. I mean i can look at people i love and adore and just go wow they have changed so much it would be hard to recognize them if i havent been talking to them for a year.
Its crazy, its def. an epidemic.
I wish that people could talk to people who are completely different from them, even if there are several others in the group that are exactly like them.
I for one, know how it feels to be the "black sheep" and i hate it.
It absolutely disgusts me.
I am not trying to make myself look perfect. Because ive got lots of issues to work out.
BUT.
Things still disgust me.
Its not fair to single people out, or shove them out of the way.

On another note.

I have been quite uninspired.
As in, i have not been writing about the only one that matters lately.
Jesus Christ, is something we all need. We need him around when were happy and sad.
People often pull him closer when they get upset... but i tend to push him farther away.
I guess its a sense of pride, and selfishness, he doesnt give me what i what when i want it and theres a big problem with that inside my brain so the best option (at the time) is to say see ya.
Thats not the kind of faith i want.
I want him close forever and ever through thick and thin.
i guess im slowly getting my inpiration back.

Bleh, i am tired and uninspired.
I just want to say fuck you to everybody because you all suck.
that would be the easy road.
but, that roads closed.
bare with me as i try to say i love you and you mean a lot.

for heavens sake I know your sorrrrrrry

"Sing is a song and well sing it back to you"-paramore

I feel my world moving around me, not with me like I'm thinking it should be. I need my Jesus, he is something I'm relying on more than everything else. He balances everything out. I am okay, because I'm resting in the Lord. Me and my mom are really close all of a sudden, I know she's saved. I can just feel it...if that makes sense?
I've got a lot fo reasons to be smiling, why do I always seem to be faking lately.... I wished I could turn off my feelings so I couldn't fake fall in love (new terminology for like) anymore. I'm not sure my life is supposed to make sense, or feel comfortable, and I just want the snow.
I wanna let my anger out, in a positive way, which includes, snowball fights. Maybe when I get my piano I can be more productive?

On another note: marylyn manson has a song that's called "in the valley of the shadow of death" its beautiful. In a crazy way, and mindset. I've felt like he does like he says in the song "I feel so worthless, I feel so discarded, but I know that I am not alone"
Sometimes its easy to feel so bad and so unworthy, but we can always come back to the fact were not alone and that jesus is holding us up.

My world is moving around jesus, and jesus is pulling me along with him.

:/

"rain rain go away
come back another day"

faithless.....and heartless.

So my day, started off really well, i went to school eager to learn.
I came out ready to go to church, to learn about my glorious father.
I got home, ready to cry.

I hate when you like boys, its like the most stupidest thing, because someone always gets hurt in the end.
I dont know what the right thing to do would be, since i already kinda screwed that up.
Hmm i didnt think i would care so much until today...
I feel full of faith, but sometimes i feel faithless.
My heart is so bitter sometimes, it makes me want a heart transplant.

I know i know this blog did not honor the Lord at all...
everyone can make a mistake sometime.

broken backs

I love winter, the snow, the trees, the cold, the everything. 

Most importantly its Jesus' birthday in winter. 

Snowmen are pretty amazing, i like them a lot haha idk why but something about them is mysterious. 

Which reminds me of the time when Lauren and I asked Landon, what his "favorite" thing about God is besides Grace. 

It took him forever and a day to answer but, eventually in the middle of macey's  he answered, "his mysteriousness"

I have to admit that  i hate that answer, not hate but dislike. 

Im the kind of person, who enjoys knowing what is going to happen when its going to happen. 

I am fully convinced that God is trying to teach me that, everything is in his hands and i dont need to worry about anything. 

Just by a simple Math test grade, i finally got it. 

I knew for sure i would fail or at least get a C- but, instead i got a big A, which was shocking. Then bam i was thinking about how that totally was a God thing because c'mon how the hell am i supposed to get that good of a grade when i barely understood the review just the night before. 

I didnt even ask her one question the day of the test. 

Hmmmm, yay for no stress, so i can love Jesus no complications haha. 

No more broken backs for me, just little pains every once in awhile. :]

Let the Flames Begin....

IS an amazing freaking song! 

anyways, this blog has nothing to do with that song! haha. 

So basically, my life is pretty good, i mean there are a couple of things that i would consider myself not very happy about, and kind of avoiding to be honest. 

But whats new?

i always have something wrong and im beginning to be okay with that. 

Whenever my thoughts sink in [with the exception of nighttime before sleep] I can just remember the hope i have in Christ. 

MY gratitude, for Jesus is outstanding. All i do is pray and tell God how fucking amazing he is and then

all of a sudden i forget about everything that makes me sad. 

"keep me safe inside your arms like towers they tower over me"

-paramore

that is precisely how i feel all the time now. My flame for God is really lit this time, not fake lit or whatever the hell it was before when i swear i was on fire but it lasted briefly. This is the real deal and im liking it. 

I can smile for no reason and know that is 100% because i love God. 

I find no reason to hide it anymore ill praise him no matter who i am with. 

thats a good step....i worry to much about making people angry when i should have been trusting that God would have me praise him around the right people. 

I need to become more like Paul, because people are dying. 

Its time to WAKE UP.