Posts
Today, was very bad.
Sometimes, I have days where I make mistakes that hurt other people.
Today I made a decision that hurt the person I love.
I try, really I do to be a nice person. It has been a big struggle, because I am a very rude person.
Sometimes, I lose control of my self and I get so mad or so hurt or so whatever it kind of takes over and I am no longer being rational.
However, it is a time like this that makes me appreciate what I have.
I can yell at Troy and then take the fuck off without even clarifying the precise reason behind it
and call him like an hour after, because I am sorry and mad at myself for acting so dumb and all he says is "It's okay, you were mad, you are allowed to get mad"
Relationships are hard, anyone who has ever been in one would know that. Sometimes I try to look for the purpose because it gets lost in all the chaos.
I usually find it. Usually.
I know that I can fight with Troy and can feel totally out of control of it and I can feel like nothing was accomplished and that our problems are worse than they were to begin with but, I know that we will work it out. Even when I am feeling sure I want to just end it because that is the easier option, something keeps me from doing it and I am thankful for that everytime because, we will work it out.
We love each other too much to not work it out.
I hate the hard moments, but I always end up getting so much closer to God, and I love that.
I have been reminded lately about God being a common bond among christians. If God is a part of the relationship then even when I hate every thing about a person I can always work it out because God is the strongest part of life, and the strongest part of a relationship. I love that assurance.
Also, I am a rambler. For real.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
Where is the love?
I feel like I can learn a lot from other peoples messes.
I have seen the destruction of not following God, and I am terrified of ever not following God now. I have been struggling for a while now with my relationship with God and I have been getting the wake up call I needed.
I want God more than I ever have before.
I have realized the biggest thing in the world, in the church, in everything, and that is LOVE.
The simple four letter word that is never easy, because it is too easy.
God just loves us, he just does, it's easy for him to love us.
He loves the broken parts, he loves us when we are making foolish mistakes, he loves us when we don't love him, he loves us when we are too hurt or too broken to even feel a damn thing, HE LOVES US. Why is is so hard to feel that love? Why is it so hard to see it? Why is it so hard to extend that love to our friends, our coworkers, the strangers on the street, our family, just anybody?
Why can't we just love because God loves? Why can't it just happen?
People struggle, people do bad things, people do good things, people suck, people hurt others, people say rude things to people, people make people feel like shit, people do a lot of things that cause a lot of hurt in a lot of people. It is just what we do.
What God does is the exact opposite, he just loves, he just helps, he just listens, he just comforts, he just is good and he just is God.
God is the only reason I can live happy, God is the only purpose I can look forward to when everything sucks, I want to love like God loves me, I want to love God so much that I can't even walk, I want it to be the realest thing in my life.
I want to work on myself and how I look at the people around me. I want to not see any of the sin, I want to just see people who need me to love them.
Sometimes, the lines get blurred. Sometimes trying to love someone ends up just hurting them. Sometimes knowing what to do or what to say is so fuzzy, but i think that when that happens the focus should be on finding what you shouldn't do and what you shouldn't say instead.
Sometimes the most powerful moments, the most helpful moments are in the silence.
I have seen the destruction of not following God, and I am terrified of ever not following God now. I have been struggling for a while now with my relationship with God and I have been getting the wake up call I needed.
I want God more than I ever have before.
I have realized the biggest thing in the world, in the church, in everything, and that is LOVE.
The simple four letter word that is never easy, because it is too easy.
God just loves us, he just does, it's easy for him to love us.
He loves the broken parts, he loves us when we are making foolish mistakes, he loves us when we don't love him, he loves us when we are too hurt or too broken to even feel a damn thing, HE LOVES US. Why is is so hard to feel that love? Why is it so hard to see it? Why is it so hard to extend that love to our friends, our coworkers, the strangers on the street, our family, just anybody?
Why can't we just love because God loves? Why can't it just happen?
People struggle, people do bad things, people do good things, people suck, people hurt others, people say rude things to people, people make people feel like shit, people do a lot of things that cause a lot of hurt in a lot of people. It is just what we do.
What God does is the exact opposite, he just loves, he just helps, he just listens, he just comforts, he just is good and he just is God.
God is the only reason I can live happy, God is the only purpose I can look forward to when everything sucks, I want to love like God loves me, I want to love God so much that I can't even walk, I want it to be the realest thing in my life.
I want to work on myself and how I look at the people around me. I want to not see any of the sin, I want to just see people who need me to love them.
Sometimes, the lines get blurred. Sometimes trying to love someone ends up just hurting them. Sometimes knowing what to do or what to say is so fuzzy, but i think that when that happens the focus should be on finding what you shouldn't do and what you shouldn't say instead.
Sometimes the most powerful moments, the most helpful moments are in the silence.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
refreshed
Well, lately life hasn't been the best, when is it ever?
In all honesty my life for the past two months has probably been the worst I have ever experience in all 18 years. Sounds dramatic, probably is.
I didn't even know what was going wrong until yesterday, I just knew it wasn't right.
I've learned that it is important to stick by who you are no matter what.
Also, change is not a bad thing if done correctly. Change does not mean losing yourself completely.
God loves me and he loves me the way that I am, changing or unchanging. PERIOD.
I spent the last couple of months, not wanting to be this angry rude person who honestly didn't give a fuck about most people. Which is still not what I want. All that resulted in was me playing it too safe and nothing was getting resolved whenever I had issues. So if there is one good thing about being the way that I am is I get stuff handled haha.
It made me feel like I was drowning in all the problems I was not facing.
So I have made a decision that I would rather accidentally be a little rude and bold then not saying anything and letting it dwell and then taking it out on the person I love.
So, I am gonna be me again and hopefully learn a positive way to handle conflicts.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
um
I hate waking up ridiculously angry.
It's a common occurrence in my life and I really wish it would just go away. What good does it do to be angry? I am pretty sure God doesn't want me to wake up that way, it's like a personality disorder or something. This problem freaks me out because, it brings out my dad in me. My biggest fear is to end up with another him in my life. One is more than enough for me.
I hate how ridiculously bitter I am, and how completely not in control of it I am. It's not like I sit here and want to feel bitter towards my dad. I hate that I am and yet it doesn't go away. I have come to realize something about my faith in God, and that it is really solid in most areas but it is totally weak almost non existent when it comes to my dad. I have so much pain and hurt and I know that God is in control and that he is gonna take care of me but, sometimes it doesn't feel real. I just want all this to disappear and I try my hardest to make it disappear but, I have wasted my time. God doesn't want it to just disappear he wants me to grow through it. Really though, I have no choice because it is part of my life and I will be dealing with this probably my whole life. Another realization is the fact that God should be enough, and he is enough but, I haven't really believed that for a long time. I find myself wishing that just one person would understand what I am going through, I wish that people I have confided in wouldn't let me down. I am so tired of feeling stupid for my feelings. Nobody will ever know how I feel though, nobody will ever understand that this hurts and it sucks and it's not as easy as it is made out to be. I am tired of keeping this locked inside, I want to confront it but I don't know how. I don't want to hear that I have to just get over it and move forward. It's not that simple, as much as I would like it to be . Maybe I am being a baby, no I am definitely being a baby. God is totally sufficient, he understands what i am going through, he has been here all along and I am just to stupid and too blind to even recognize that. It doesn't matter if I ever meet that one person who just understands and doesn't try to give me advice or any of the shit I don't need. Because my comfort can and should come from Jesus. I have to learn to seek God first.
It's a common occurrence in my life and I really wish it would just go away. What good does it do to be angry? I am pretty sure God doesn't want me to wake up that way, it's like a personality disorder or something. This problem freaks me out because, it brings out my dad in me. My biggest fear is to end up with another him in my life. One is more than enough for me.
I hate how ridiculously bitter I am, and how completely not in control of it I am. It's not like I sit here and want to feel bitter towards my dad. I hate that I am and yet it doesn't go away. I have come to realize something about my faith in God, and that it is really solid in most areas but it is totally weak almost non existent when it comes to my dad. I have so much pain and hurt and I know that God is in control and that he is gonna take care of me but, sometimes it doesn't feel real. I just want all this to disappear and I try my hardest to make it disappear but, I have wasted my time. God doesn't want it to just disappear he wants me to grow through it. Really though, I have no choice because it is part of my life and I will be dealing with this probably my whole life. Another realization is the fact that God should be enough, and he is enough but, I haven't really believed that for a long time. I find myself wishing that just one person would understand what I am going through, I wish that people I have confided in wouldn't let me down. I am so tired of feeling stupid for my feelings. Nobody will ever know how I feel though, nobody will ever understand that this hurts and it sucks and it's not as easy as it is made out to be. I am tired of keeping this locked inside, I want to confront it but I don't know how. I don't want to hear that I have to just get over it and move forward. It's not that simple, as much as I would like it to be . Maybe I am being a baby, no I am definitely being a baby. God is totally sufficient, he understands what i am going through, he has been here all along and I am just to stupid and too blind to even recognize that. It doesn't matter if I ever meet that one person who just understands and doesn't try to give me advice or any of the shit I don't need. Because my comfort can and should come from Jesus. I have to learn to seek God first.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
It's funny
This whole time I forgot about blogging and tried out the talk to a close friend thing ( which was definitely not working out for me) my life just got even more suckier and it just kept building up. So here I am back to square one.
Sometimes, I think that people just don't understand the concept of listen and understand. Just because I am talking to them about some tough situations going on in my life does not mean that I want advice. Most of the time I know the answers, I know exactly what needs to happen but, I can't move past something if I am always shutting down my emotions down and basically telling myself "No, it is not okay to be hurting right now"
Since when was that ever fair? My heart probably hates me because that happens quite frequently.
Anyways, lately I have kind of been angry with God. I have been angry with a lot of things though. I have been angry with God and I know that there is no justifiable reason behind that because God is perfect and LOVING and there is absolutely no reason to be angry with him ever. I am human though so I do get angry and it is occasionally directed at God. I just think that sometimes it is unfair that It does not seem like it is acceptable to other people that I make bad choices. Yes everyone, I AM HUMAN and I make bad choices most of the time. I guess I am just looking for someone to blame, when really there is nobody but myself to blame. I definitely put myself at a higher standard and unfortunately it is one that I have a difficult time reaching. So I can see why other people would too. I am so thankful that I do have a loving God who looks at me and all he sees is the good in me. I love that I can remember that and know that it is 100% true and that keeps me grounded. At the end of the day Gods opinion is the only one that matters to me.
There are no ways to guess how a person is going to be. I might think that I know who I am one day and then the next day I have no idea. Usually, when I feel like things are sucking and not ever going right and it's to the point I would rather crawl into a dark hole instead of walking out that front door, that is when I don't remember who I am.
All the events that have been happening in my life (which I do not need to list) have been eating away at who I am or who I thought I was and it all goes back to this: God makes me who I am. In all of this shit he is growing me and I still believe that in order to be grown into a new stronger person God has to eliminate the Old. For example, when a snake gets a new layer of skin or scales, whatever they have to shed off the old. That is exactly the same concept.
So, I guess I should embrace the suffering, yes?
Sometimes, I think that people just don't understand the concept of listen and understand. Just because I am talking to them about some tough situations going on in my life does not mean that I want advice. Most of the time I know the answers, I know exactly what needs to happen but, I can't move past something if I am always shutting down my emotions down and basically telling myself "No, it is not okay to be hurting right now"
Since when was that ever fair? My heart probably hates me because that happens quite frequently.
Anyways, lately I have kind of been angry with God. I have been angry with a lot of things though. I have been angry with God and I know that there is no justifiable reason behind that because God is perfect and LOVING and there is absolutely no reason to be angry with him ever. I am human though so I do get angry and it is occasionally directed at God. I just think that sometimes it is unfair that It does not seem like it is acceptable to other people that I make bad choices. Yes everyone, I AM HUMAN and I make bad choices most of the time. I guess I am just looking for someone to blame, when really there is nobody but myself to blame. I definitely put myself at a higher standard and unfortunately it is one that I have a difficult time reaching. So I can see why other people would too. I am so thankful that I do have a loving God who looks at me and all he sees is the good in me. I love that I can remember that and know that it is 100% true and that keeps me grounded. At the end of the day Gods opinion is the only one that matters to me.
There are no ways to guess how a person is going to be. I might think that I know who I am one day and then the next day I have no idea. Usually, when I feel like things are sucking and not ever going right and it's to the point I would rather crawl into a dark hole instead of walking out that front door, that is when I don't remember who I am.
All the events that have been happening in my life (which I do not need to list) have been eating away at who I am or who I thought I was and it all goes back to this: God makes me who I am. In all of this shit he is growing me and I still believe that in order to be grown into a new stronger person God has to eliminate the Old. For example, when a snake gets a new layer of skin or scales, whatever they have to shed off the old. That is exactly the same concept.
So, I guess I should embrace the suffering, yes?
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
kind of lame, but whatever.
I can't help it, these feelings rushed in.
I want to scream, I need to breathe.
I want to win, I need to lose.
I've been playing games, playing God.
This is destroying me.
I can't help it, your all i see.
Why can't I feel any differently?
I wish i could become somebody else
somebody different.
This is building me.
I can't help it, you're challenging me.
I have been working, working too hard.
You have been working, working so easily.
I am sinking, God teach me how to swim.
You are increasing.
I can't help it, I'm stubborn.
since when was this not allowed?
I'm making things way too interesting.
I don't want this, but I am lying.
I am decreasing.
I can't help it, I'm in love.
you are the match to my slow steady heart.
It's chaotic, but i am captivated.
I am selfish, undeserving.
We are becoming.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
Jesus, is my everything, and yours too.
He is shaping us, making us fit together.
He calms the static, shows me the way to go.
I am selfish, I am undeserving.
This is what grace is for.
Patience is what I need, thank God you have some.
I love you, I love you enough to work as hard as i need to.
I love you, I love you enough to sacrifice whatever i have to.
God is my focus, my treasure is you.
I just wanna know how this is all going to fit.
I trust you God, I trust you.
I want to feel, I need to feel safe.
I am in your arms, and that is forever.
You are capable, you are in control.
I don't need to worry anymore.
Prayer for my life
"A long day alone
Emptiness is so real
Never having peace of mind
Running from what I can't see
And there is nowhere left to hide
Turn and face these empty eyes
All alone, heart untold
Trying to find
Break me down replace this fear inside
Take this nothingness from me
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down
I try to find myself
I find the stranger trapped inside
And I'll take one more step away
From the face I used to recognize
Familiar shadows closing in
Suffocating fear descends
It comes alive, uncovered eyes
I'm trying to find
Break me down replace this fear inside
Take this nothingness from me
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down
Replace this fear inside
Take this nothingness from me
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down
Break me down
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down [repeat]
Break me! "
Emptiness is so real
Never having peace of mind
Running from what I can't see
And there is nowhere left to hide
Turn and face these empty eyes
All alone, heart untold
Trying to find
Break me down replace this fear inside
Take this nothingness from me
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down
I try to find myself
I find the stranger trapped inside
And I'll take one more step away
From the face I used to recognize
Familiar shadows closing in
Suffocating fear descends
It comes alive, uncovered eyes
I'm trying to find
Break me down replace this fear inside
Take this nothingness from me
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down
Replace this fear inside
Take this nothingness from me
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down
Break me down
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down [repeat]
Break me! "
-Red
There are some things in my life that I am uncertain about, and all it amounts to is me panicking.
I need to let go and let God haha.
I just get so anxious and so scared when I don't know what is coming.
I have lost myself completely yet again and I am really frustrated about that. I want to know who I am and be secure in that but, i need to be okay with being unsure and i need to be okay with my insecurities.
I need God to show me who I am, MAKE me who I am.
I want to be the best for him, and the only way to do that is to lose myself completely.
Monday, April 12, 2010
hope in Christ.
"Don't make your living by extortion or put your hope in stealing. And if your wealth increases, don't make it the center of your life"
-Psalm 62:10
That verse i think can go in plenty different directions. Insert whatever you want in for stealing it could be anything from sex to lying or from women to men. Jesus needs to be the absolute center of my life, no matter what. I am nothing in comparison to God, and he is worthy of being the purpose of my life. I think that things can easily slip in and take full center of my life, it is easy all i have to do is let that happen and i probably don't catch it very quickly sometimes. The only true real hope that we have is in Christ. Wordly things have done nothing for me, and I don't think they do anything but leave people wanting more. It becomes this vicious cycle of trying to fill a hole that cannot be filled by anything other than Jesus Christ.
I have to ask myself everyday "Is God the absolute center of my life? the only reason I am smiling? The only reason I am breathing?"
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
calm
nothing makes me appreciate a calm and peaceful life more than a chaotic and horrible one.
When I am going through a hard and tough time I forget that there ever was a time that everything was just fine.
I get so wrapped up in everything that is going on because truly I care far more than any one seems to think. I get so emotionally drained every single time things happen. Sometimes, i believe that nobody gets as hurt and as messed up as me, I know that's not true at all but it feels very true when the going gets tough haha.
I thank God every day that I am weak and he is strong.
I don't need anything at all but him and he is a faithful God who comes through.
I am so blessed that I can just rest in that simple truth.
I am never doing anything alone even if everyone on this earth abandons me and I am left for dead God is always helping whether i can see it or not.
Then when everything figures itself out I just am that much more appreciative of everything.
God figures things out for us and true peace and true happiness come from him and him alone.
Even though, hurting and being hurt sucks the life out of my veins it doesn't take long before it is pumped back in.
When I am going through a hard and tough time I forget that there ever was a time that everything was just fine.
I get so wrapped up in everything that is going on because truly I care far more than any one seems to think. I get so emotionally drained every single time things happen. Sometimes, i believe that nobody gets as hurt and as messed up as me, I know that's not true at all but it feels very true when the going gets tough haha.
I thank God every day that I am weak and he is strong.
I don't need anything at all but him and he is a faithful God who comes through.
I am so blessed that I can just rest in that simple truth.
I am never doing anything alone even if everyone on this earth abandons me and I am left for dead God is always helping whether i can see it or not.
Then when everything figures itself out I just am that much more appreciative of everything.
God figures things out for us and true peace and true happiness come from him and him alone.
Even though, hurting and being hurt sucks the life out of my veins it doesn't take long before it is pumped back in.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
just one thing
I love those moments in life that take your breath away.
I love the moments that will make you change your mind about everything.
You can say that you will never believe in something and then that changes in an instant.
Also, you can say you feel a certain way about someone, and that also can change in a snap of a finger.
Sometimes I hate that and sometimes it couldn't be any more welcome.
I also hate when you give your all into someone or something and never once is it returned.
It makes you feel weak, and insecure, hurt and alone, worthless and hopeless.
It is one of those moments in life that changes your mind.
I wish that people actually knew what they were feeling and that they would take the time to figure it out before someone gets hurt.
Almost always someone gets hurt.
Why in the world does hurt even exist? Sometimes it is enough for me to question my God.
He is the one thing in my life that i know i can give my all and know that i have already gotten his all.
I can relate to him in a sense, he gives his all to everyone and most people do not return that and yet he still gives his all and he is HAPPY about it.
I wish i had a heart full of unconditional love.
Who doesn't?
I wish that life was simple and people were simple.
I don't know why life is even worth all the bull shit people throw your way.
On a positive note, I love when you take a risk and it was worth it.
Maybe one day I can actually experience that firsthand.
I don't count on that ever happening to me, I give too much away to even have anything left to give at the right moment or to the right person.
I love it when i see it work out for someone, it makes all my pain completely all right.
I would rather me suffer than see anyone else suffer because, I can't control how they deal but with me I have full control over that.
Maybe one day, I will be proven wrong
that risking it all for someone or something can actually be a good thing.
I love the moments that will make you change your mind about everything.
You can say that you will never believe in something and then that changes in an instant.
Also, you can say you feel a certain way about someone, and that also can change in a snap of a finger.
Sometimes I hate that and sometimes it couldn't be any more welcome.
I also hate when you give your all into someone or something and never once is it returned.
It makes you feel weak, and insecure, hurt and alone, worthless and hopeless.
It is one of those moments in life that changes your mind.
I wish that people actually knew what they were feeling and that they would take the time to figure it out before someone gets hurt.
Almost always someone gets hurt.
Why in the world does hurt even exist? Sometimes it is enough for me to question my God.
He is the one thing in my life that i know i can give my all and know that i have already gotten his all.
I can relate to him in a sense, he gives his all to everyone and most people do not return that and yet he still gives his all and he is HAPPY about it.
I wish i had a heart full of unconditional love.
Who doesn't?
I wish that life was simple and people were simple.
I don't know why life is even worth all the bull shit people throw your way.
On a positive note, I love when you take a risk and it was worth it.
Maybe one day I can actually experience that firsthand.
I don't count on that ever happening to me, I give too much away to even have anything left to give at the right moment or to the right person.
I love it when i see it work out for someone, it makes all my pain completely all right.
I would rather me suffer than see anyone else suffer because, I can't control how they deal but with me I have full control over that.
Maybe one day, I will be proven wrong
that risking it all for someone or something can actually be a good thing.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
prayer
well, I was greatly impacted by the same old book again, the Signature of Jesus.
Its pretty amazing. I love it so much.
I was reading it today and it just really convicted me. I will pray so much but never really want the answer or at least want the answer God is going to give me. Sometimes i ask for things but i already have my expectations laid out, God does not go with what we expect of him, EVER.
I forget that and so i just keep asking and keep asking and then wonder why later because God gave me the right answer but definitely not what i wanted at the moment.
I think that the harder the times the more thankful I am.
I love that Jesus causes suffering even though i hate it too. It builds me and makes me tough and thats always a good thing.
I need my ass kicked sometimes especially if you heard my prayers lately haha.
Its pretty amazing. I love it so much.
I was reading it today and it just really convicted me. I will pray so much but never really want the answer or at least want the answer God is going to give me. Sometimes i ask for things but i already have my expectations laid out, God does not go with what we expect of him, EVER.
I forget that and so i just keep asking and keep asking and then wonder why later because God gave me the right answer but definitely not what i wanted at the moment.
I think that the harder the times the more thankful I am.
I love that Jesus causes suffering even though i hate it too. It builds me and makes me tough and thats always a good thing.
I need my ass kicked sometimes especially if you heard my prayers lately haha.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Idols
"the Lord your God is a devouring fire; he is a jealous God." Deuteronomy 4:24
God loves me so much that if anything i do anything i think anything i say is not about him, for him, or with him he gets filled with jealousy.
I just keep thinking of relationships i have seen where guys get so possessive and so jealous of their girls it ruins the relationship. I think that in the case of God jealousy is a good thing. Yeah crazy thought, i know. God is jealous and its a good jealousy because it keeps me wanting to calm that fire. I want to put it out! I do not want to put other things in front of God. I hunger for him and him first. That is the right kind of attitude that I need to have more of. When i hear he is a devouring fire and he is jealous it scares me and makes me ask myself, "Who is first right now?"
I love God for the sake of his endless and undying love for me. I have been reading the Signature of Jesus by Brennan Manning and it is just incredible. It reminded me that Christ loves ME so much that even if i was the only one he needed to suffer for he would do it in a heartbeat. When he died on the cross it was not for just a mass of people it was like he died a million deaths for each individual person. I think that is painfully beautiful. I sometimes wonder what the hell he sees in me, why he loves me. I shouldn't have to wonder but i do. It is comforting to know that he loves me and that there are no strings attached to it. He undoubtedly loves me wholly and unconditionally. I just wish i could love him like that.
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