I have no idea how to work the new blog layout... but i somehow got to this point and this is all i really wanted to do so i guess it was a success?

I love being independent, truly it is the most freeing thing. I know that I have my own back and when nobody is here for me or on my side I can be. But, sometimes I need somebody and thats why family is becoming more important to me. If you know me you know that my family is a struggle. But, I am learning to look past everything and move forward. Because some days I don't have a handle on anything, Sometimes I want to do things I shouldn't call people I told myself numerous times I wasn't gonna call, but I have learned on those days I can always call my family and watch Ru Pauls drag race or work on puzzles with my sister and finish them in record time. Things are beginning to look better for me, Slowly I will be over losing everything important to me, but gain the things that should have been important in the first place.

My mom has made me who I am whether I am happy about that or not. She's crazy, wild, inappropriate, sassy, cute, hard working, outspoken, strong, and independent. I love her to pieces she taught me how to fend for myself, how to work. She and I have had the worst relationship back in the day but, forgiveness is a powerful thing. Life is too short to stick on to all that negative. We have a good relationship now, a work in progress though. I am excited to get a place with her, it is only build our relationship more. Plus I will be less lonely with her around. I love my momma.

My sister is amazing, we fight and get on each others nerves most of the time but, the funnest of times are always with her. I know that if a song comes on and the singer is being ridiculous me and my sister are gonna both be thinking the same thing and we're ready to imitate. I love singing hit me with a text all weird with her, bringing Nsync back and realizing how fucked up their songs really are, and also rocking out to Madonna and looking over seeing a man in a red SUV enjoying the show but continuing anyway. Me and my sister are fly as hell and I love her to death. She's my best friend and my worst enemy but, thats a sister right?

The Pursuit of Happiness

I would like to be happy. I think thats what everyone wants and everyone can have it. The truth is most people aren't and it's because they stop working for it.
I am in the section of stopped working for it.
Happiness is probably the best thing to have, easy to get, but the most difficult thing to maintain.

time to get to work.

here it goes, pretty much a confession

I have not written on here in a long time but tonight i felt inspired enough i guess. Well lately everything has been a huge mess. Pretty much made worse because of me, but what can you do?

I am trying to turn everything around, make it better get my feet on the ground again. I am tired of making all these mistakes because of the way that I feel inside.

I think that I have been handling the break up all wrong, masking my feelings instead of dealing with them. Even though I broke it off doesn't matter, it still hurts me more than I think anyone could understand.

I feel guilty all the time for my actions since the break up, and even some leading up to it.

This is my version of owning up to it right now.

I know that I should not have been talking to another guy, in my mind I might as well have physically cheated. That's how guilty I feel anyways.

I will admit that He is a rebound in the sense that I put a lot of energy into wanting it to become something substantial, and stupid fantasies that girls usually get. But, The feelings are real, not rebound feelings. Cause when I think about the actual feelings, I get scared and I wanna run.

They say you can't help who you fall in love with, and I believe that 100% percent. Because I try to change my feelings a lot. It never really works out. Hell I still love and care about Troy more than my own self. I just know that sometimes you have to take your own healthiness into considerations and not just what you feel you should do. I also believe in the long run I think that everything is better off with us apart.

I don't think i believe in only falling in love once anymore. Because, I think we are capable of loving more than one person, I just think the kind of love is different and I think that it can change. You can start with loving someone as a friend and it become more than that. You can start loving someone as more than a friend and it become just friendly. I still love Troy but, it changed. Now i admit I love someone else in a non friendship way.

I know I have a lot of love to give, and I know that I should be careful with my heart especially not that I have had it broken. But, I think i put a lot of myself into people because, what I really want is just one person to return it back to me.

I have not experienced that yet.

I know people love me, I am not trying to say nobody does. But, to love someone so much so passionately, to love someone so much it changes everything, the way I love has never happened. I am still waiting for that.

But, I think I am slowly healing and being okay by myself again. I think a lot of credit is due to a fortune cookie ha ha. It says "stop searching forever happiness is just next to you"

Which can be interpreted differently but, i interpreted it as, Happiness is a choice you make for yourself, you can choose to mope and be sad, and do stupid stuff. Or you can face everything head on and just realize happiness comes from yourself, and that you don't need to look for it to find it. Its already there.

So yes a fortune changed my perspective, but I don't care how silly that may seem, it was helpful and that is all that matters.

Everyone had their something

I have nobody but God to love me and comfort me. It scares me to realize that.

I wanted to find it in a man. Because I've always missed it here on earth. I see people who are able to find it in this life and some of them can even find it in God as well. It makes me wonder what they're chasing. Everyone has something they're looking for. I am envious of a lot of people because of the human relationships they're able to keep. I mostly just screw up the relationships in mine. It would be nice to be able to keep one not just keep one but, keep one close.

Then again I have no idea what I want. I need to find that healthy balance between the world and God. Despite what anyone might believe or say I have realized that God is enough but, he knows each of us and he knows that while we are here on earth that we require a lot more. He knows that I am gonna fuck up constantly and that I might find ways to justify myself. When really sin is just sin. But, I can't help but think that God laughs sometimes at the dumb shit we do. I know he hurts as well but I think sometimes he has to let us figure out on our own. If he is my friend, my father than I believe he has no other choice. I am stubborn and I usually learn better from dealing with my consequences rather than believing that someone is gonna save me before anything bad happens. Because, all that does it make me question him when something bad "slips through the cracks" God lets us experience things for ourselves but, he knows when he needs to step in and help.

I know that my struggles eventually help me learn but they still suck. I hate feeling like sleep is all I have. I hate being a zombie. I hate my unhealthy habits. But, all of it reminds me that I love God and that He loves me.
It reminds me that this world is only temporary and I know where I am going when I leave and it's to paradise.

"The Lord is my shepherd I have all that I need." -Psalm 23:1

I am confused.

I think that one of the biggest frustrations for me when it comes to God, is the fact that why questions get me nowhere.
Once I start asking why I can't stop.
I don't understand God, and it doesn't help that I am struggling right now.
I've tried for years to understand the good in living with my fucked up family and I came to the conclusion I see none.
I finally got a place to stay and I was loving every minute of it, and my walk with God was going good, I was fully in love with Troy and it just seemed like everything made sense.
About around that time, I had one of the worst times of my life.
Everything came crashing down and it happened so quickly I didn't know what to do but, sleep.
All I knew is that God was there for me, and Troy was right by my side.
Somehow everything got back to decent ground, and I ended up with another amazing place to be. I loved living with Troy, I loved where things were going with us.
But, I was still struggling with God.

Now, everything is so messed up. I am still struggling with God, trying to get back to the right place again. I don't know what I want. I ask those damn why questions and that just ends up making me pissed off at someone.
All I know is that things will be okay because God is good.
I don't believe it but, he's proved me wrong before.

it's been a long time...

wow, so i have not used my blog in so long not like anyone reads it though. Anyways, my life is so different now. I read my previous posts and I don't even know the girl who posted them.
I want to get back to that place where all that mattered to me was my relationship with Christ. I miss him.
I don't want to worry about what people think of me or what people want me to do. I am going to do whatever it is I believe in, I am gonna get back to that.

The God i was believing in was a cruel and false God because the God i fell in love with is the exact opposite.
God is not a cruel heartless asshole. God is loving forgiving friend.
the only way to describe what God is like is comparing to a human friendship but knowing that it is ten times better than that.
I know God loves me for me no matter what I am doing. I know that is not an excuse to do whatever the fuck i want but at the same time i shouldn't beat myself up over every little
sinful thing that I do. Why should I do that when God forgets about it and moves on?

so, I am still lost and confused but, it shouldn't be hard to fall back in love with God. It shouldn't be hard to change my mindset and put it in the right place. But, this time around I am gonna have it a personal relationship now. Screw church, bible studies, all of that shit. I love it and I enjoy those things but, I don't wanna let it get in the way of my relationship with God.
Yes, they are a good source of info but, it is up to me how i apply it and if i apply it not anyone else.
I refuse to get mixed up in other peoples hopes for me or opinions on how life should be.

It's time to stop looking for the right way to live life, because there isn't one way to live it that fits every person. It's time to start living it and just rolling with whatever comes my way and of course, having God doing it right along with me.

Relationships

Tonight at church Relationships was the topic, which I have been struggling with all my life.
So, needless to say I was excited to learn something.

I think that I expected to learn but, all I got was a reminder of all the shitty people I have had in my life. It was a battle with myself to focus on the goal to learn something I can change about my own self, because I kept thinking of specific people in my life and what they were not doing for me. Yes it was wrong to think those thoughts but, it helped me come to this realization:
I do not need anyone other than Jesus, he is the truest friend I can have and he will never betray me or hurt me.

I am so hurt by the people I thought were my friends, The friends that supposedly loved Christ, but I don't see that in them anymore.
I see them and I see their love for the world, It is in the way they treat me, or how they treat others who don't completely fit in. I hate that and I don't want a part of it anymore.
It hurts me when I find out that they have been doing things together but, I never get an invite.
It is funny to me that I am expected to be the strong one all of the time (which is not possible) and be there for everyone and the minute I go through something hard who is there for me?
Everyone, runs away when Maquel is hurting.
All of the people I thought would be there for me like I have been for them vanish and I am left to pick up the pieces of my shattered life all alone.
I get a little hurt when I see something on facebook that I wasn't invited to, or when texts and calls go unanswered for a while, and even when I think about how much I miss them but, then I ask myself Why in the hell would I want friends like that around?
I don't. Like Mac said tonight "Quality is better than Quantity"

So, I am back to where I have always been content with just God and then the rest are a blessing, if they are the right true friends.
I am very thankful for the people who have helped me through the most overwhelming times in my life, that I am still recovering from.
I am thankful that Troy and Jenny have realized that I am human and I have breaking points and all I need is love and a shoulder to cry on.
I love God for never changing and always teaching me.