Make love not war

I don't know whats worse, war or making love instead of it.
It was that phrase that i found on a car parked outside of Muse that the life i have been living is not the life for me. I absolutely love it though. It will be hard on my part to let go of everything that creeped its way in.
I need to get back to life of a christian.
What does that even look like?
I want to be me, but I can't. I mess shit up and I end up scared and alone.
I need God to show me what it means to be a follower of God because, clearly people have no clue, even the ones who think they do.
I want Jesus above all else no matter how much pain and how much joy that will bring.
I think that Jesus is hard for me because, I want to see the end result of something so good before i'll trust it. I am like that with people as well. I once thought it was a good thing to be so careful so cautious but i am finding out that was as much of a mess up as anything else.
Faithwalkers. Faithwalkers. Faithwalkers.
It's giving me a headache most of all. It is clear that God used this as a test for me ALREADY i haven't even left Utah haha oh baby, this is gonna be a kick ass conference (literally).
With all the trials I faced i was about ready to say fuck it and give up.
I didn't though because It all comes back to Jesus and that the money is taken care of the arrangements are taken care of, everything is taken care of. Everything is going to be alright if i trust Jesus. Sure i can place temporary trust but, its the real trust he deserves.
But, yet he waits and I fail to understand why. It might be hard and it might take awhile but at least i know he is a friend that sticks around. I love him no doubt but trust is a whole other concept and it took me 14 years of my life to figure out i loved him imagine how long it will take for trust.

love

"Don't you know son that I love you?
And I don't care where you've been,
so please come home "

All Jesus wants is for me to love him back.

Say I am coming, and actually come.

He has washed my sins away and he forgives and forgets.

Its hard to not feel so unbearably dirty and keep running the opposite direction.

God does not care what so ever where we are and where we have been.

He has told everyone many times that all he wants is for us to love him and trust him with our lives.

I wanna always remember that his love is eternal and unconditional and then return that back to him.

Yet i still forget.

pessimistic optimism

I have figured out and come this conclusion"

That good things come to an end but if you trust God even better things come out of the bad and become even better even powerful than the good thing you started with.

the fifteenth time i get something from a paramore song

"The tragedy, it seems unending
I'm watching everyone I looked up to break and bending
We're taking shortcuts and false solutions
Just to come out the hero
Well I can see behind the curtain (I can see, yeah yeah)
The wheels are cranking, turning,
It's all wrong the way we're working
Towards a goal, that's nonexistent
It's nonexistent, but we just keep believing"

We are such selfish, prideful, individuals. Living to glorify ourselves.

I get so frustrated with myself i want to do what God wants me to but, my flesh screams that i need to do what i shouldnt do.

I wish i could take the easy way out and just surrender but thats not an option.

Jesus is the only thing that should matter and he should come above all else. I can't wait to get out of this slump and just step back up with jesus in my focus.

In my life...

I was listening to the almost today and it hit me: "Why do, you spread your arms and tell me I'm free. Why do you wanna be in my life, in my life"

I sometimes wonder what exactly keeps God around, Its not like we live for him most of the time. But, when we fall he picks us off of the ground. I love that. Its true love and it is something i struggle to feel like i deserve. Sometimes i wish i could be a normal teenager, one who falls in "love", just has fun for the sake of fun, Lives for the moment, and no worries.
Then i remember that I was that girl at some point minus the "love" part. Why does it have to be so appealing to live the life of this world?
I mean dammit it sounds a hell of a lot easier than living up to a lot of expectations, mostly ones that i set for myself because i know the way, which is Jesus.
I know I know its not supposed to be easy because its exactly the opposite of what we are programmed to live like. It is still frustrating sometimes, and sometimes i just wanna give it up.
Sometimes it just gets too tiring, and I feel like that's probably meaning i am not doing it right.
Sometimes, i want to forget it all and just fall in love like a normal human being. But whenever I find myself liking someone ( which is pretty rare) It sticks to my heart like glue, consuming every thought, and then i realize that I have to unstick it, and its unbearably hard this time.

"I wanna always feel like part of this was mine, I wanna fall in love tonight"

sometimes i forget how awesome God is. How no matter what happens he is still God and that is enough for me.

victorious

Jesus tells us many times the we have victory because of God. Well, we do but i think there is a very small catch. Do I choose to live in that victory? Is God victorious in my life, in my hearts, in my mind?

Do I let God win? Or do I simply get in the way?

words are cheap but love it speaks the volumes that make our hearts grow weak.

1 john 3:18-20

Was really mind blowing for me in my quiet time today. It brought me back to reality a little bit.

God is totally greater than our feelings. He has the ability to bring sadness to happiness and thats probably why i love him so much. He does more than i could ever do on my own (which is very much appreciated) and he does more than i could ever imagine. He has the answers to everything even before i begin asking for them. Gods love is more than just silly words. Its the kind of love that brings chills to my bones. It shakes the earth. His love is real and unmovable its unconditional and eternal and I could never ask for anything more than that.

God is Good.

i felt really bad this weekend, but yet sooo good.

I love my friends, more than i ever have ever. I feel accepted now not that it ever really mattered but, it does feel good to feel like your just liked for who you are and not what you are. I love the Ohana they are great people. I felt bad because I chose fun over Church on friday. Which was absolutely pointless because we ended up waiting in line for nearly an hour and a half and spent most of the party trying to track down Taylor and JJ who just decided to vanish. So many things that night just reminded me Church comes first. I didnt put it before God though, which is a good thing more so than church. Still, Church is a huge part of my life and my walk with Christ. Im so happy for Shantae shes finally realized that Jesus is the only way and shes really seeing it clearly now. Praise GOD! Also, i didnt die learning Stick Shift and im feeling good :)

joy

"always be joyful" 1 thessalonians 5:16

Today i felt a strange joy, and i didnt necessarily have a reason for it. I love those days. Jesus wants us to have a joyful life, not one filled with drama or whatever so even if we think we have no real reason to be joyful, we should JUST DO IT!

Acts

One of the first things I was told to do when i first believed was to read john all the way to revelation. I was so stoked to do it too I had a real thirst for God, but as soon as i got to Acts that thirst was lost. I liked the other ones cause they had real meaning to me at that moment, like grace and love. Acts was just full of history and stuff about churches. Needless to say i was bored out of my mind by the second chapter so i just stopped reading. Dawnya only told me to read to revelation so i had no idea where to read instead. I was too afraid to ask, i didnt wanna get told to do what i was told. As i grew up in my faith, I soon realized that it was stupid to not read it. Here i am tackling it again, nearly 2 years later and its been blowing my mind. Its so good to know about Paul and the early churches. Its so refreshing to here what Paul tells them. Its so convicting to watch him act out what he told them. I am now a firm fan of Acts and im not all the way through it yet. Oh the things God does for us, I love that every book in the bible is going to speak to each one of us a different way and that it all has meaning in my life and its really my guide to life.

Summertime.

So the biggest thing God has taught me this summer through CSU and Outreach and his word is that people are going to die and they either go to heaven or they go to hell. I haven't sincerely cared about the ones going to hell and i certainly haven't paid much attention to the ones going heaven. I have been wrapped up in my own stupid stuff to really care about anything other than myself and my relationship with God. Luckily, there is a God and he is faithful and he loves me enough to slap me in the face and shout WAKE UP! so here i am beat down realizing I need to be committed to sharing the gospel, sharing this freedom i have in Christ. So he heals any injuries from being convicted and gets me rolling on the right track. People are not scary by any means they are nice and friendly and sometimes bitter but, who cares? It shouldn't effect my ability to share truth or any one elses. That was one thing that was holding me back but, unfortunately i got the opportunity to spend lots of time with CSU kids and i had interesting conversations with a range of people. If anything the tougher conversations are better because they test your own faith and your own knowledge of Christ. The good thing is God has a plan and whoever you talk to isnt on accident, God can use you for their salvation either now or later.

a lot to learn.

So I feel my life being put back together one step at a time. Hallelujah! Its God working in my life and im so greatful he does! I try to imagine my life without him and i remember there would be no life. whether i ended up dying or i was living but, not living for God either way there would be no life. Outreach is coming to an end and so is the colorado friends stay and that makes me wanna treasure each moment i have left with them. I am so happy im stepping out of my box im glad i HAD to step out of it. I cant wait to really allow God to impact my life. this isnt lip service its gonna be real.

ohyjuyui

"This long of a struggle
Finally opened up my eyes.
Revolution's not easy
With a Civil War on the inside."
-anberlin

10003078374594759387

I have decided that i will be setting NO more goals. All the good they do is break me down when i dont complete them. I have WAY high expectations for me and im convinced they are too high.
SO from now on I will rely solely on making good choices and God will complete the rest. His goals are the only goals I need and I prefer they way he does them, Secretly haha. I am a piece of work but at least God is bigger than me.

Miserable at best

"And everything I could give
Is everything you couldn't take
Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay"

Sometimes life is bullshit. Theres no point to live if you have nothing left.
I know i gotta trust God and let him take the lead. That doesnt make it
any easier for me to put a smile on my face. I always distance myself
from everything that could hurt me after ive been hurt more than
I can count on my ten fingers and toes. My worst enemy has always
been and always will be my own damn self. I struggle to understand
what i could possible give to God if everything i have is tooken away.
Then i realize i can give him my whole heart and nothing else because
its not attached to other people, or music, or drugs, or alcohol, or myself.
My heart was in need of someone to repair it and that is exactly what God does
and its exactly what God wants from me.

Contagious

"Oh no, this couldn't be more unexpected
And I can tell you I've been moving in so slow
Don't let it throw you off too far
Cause I'll be running right behind you

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Oohhh, when I'm around you I'm predictable
Cause I believe in loving you with first sight
I know it's crazy but I'm hoping to..
To take a hold of you

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Oh you're everything I'm wanting
Come to think of it, I'm aching
On account of my transgression..
Will you welcome this confession?

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously"
-Acceptance

This song is awesome!
It represents (for the most part) how contagious God is in my life and how contagious he should be in the lives of everyone!
"And I can tell you I've been moving in so slow" We move slow when it comes to our relationship with God we take baby steps when we should be RUNNING, no, SPRINTING to him.
"Oh you're everything I'm wanting
Come to think of it, I'm aching"
We need to having aching hearts, for God and the lost. If our heart has never yearned for Him then it needs to start. We need to base our lives on Christ and Christ only. I dont want to ever walk out my front door without Him at the forefront of myself. I need him more than i ever realize songs like this bring me back into reality that Jesus is relevant and he is supposed to be everything we want and need and that without him we cant make it. Its dangerous to even wake up without Him active in our hearts, our minds, and our lives.

UGH

my self-esteem, self-worth- & all that other self crap is not where it should be. 

Wishes are only wishes.

The sunsets are as pretty as they ever were and I have been relying on Jesus more than I ever have before. 

What is life without Jesus? Why do we waste so much time doing other things, that are of this world? When are we going to start realizing nothing good comes from doing our own will? How do we put on Jesus and never take him off?

I find that we as people keep on wishing for various things. There is absolutely no point in wishing for things, if I do nothing to make those wishes come true. If I want something I am gonna have to go for it. Its simple but I make it complicated. The Lord wants everyone to be doing what he would do, he doesn't want to make us do what he did. I think that its time for the world to grow up. People are out there dying everyday, and I just sit on my butt all day long and i don't do anything about it. Freedom Festival, is a good place to start but, why stop there? 

Why is it easy for me to get in the groove of sharing with people and promoting Jesus when a festival comes around and stop immediately when it's over? I don't get it, I don't like it.

Prayer

is it worth praying if you already have an idea of what God should do to answer it?
If we are expecting something is it worth the disappointment?
I think its not, we should just shut our selfish mouths before we even start. Say what if something happened to our car and we had a whole bunch of things we had to take care of and we couldnt take care of anything without a vehicle. If we were to ask God for a car but you know that you dont want just any car you want that fancy sports car with tinted windows and shiny red paint, you will be disappointed. If you were to ask for a way of transportation without any conditions, you will not be disappointed because you were just asking for God to provide, which he most gratefully does, and he is really happy to do so. God hears us when we cry for help but not if we have selfish motives behind it. We need to trust Jesus with our whole life not just the bits and pieces. It shouldn't matter what happens to us because we know God is right there with an answer, the right answer.

hmmm.

I feel like im going nowhere, pretty fast.

:/

Sometimes feeling awesome can be a lonely feeling.

People are people

Ive learned a lot this year that having certain groups of friends ends in a dead end.
No matter what your faith is gonna be your faith when you start and end your day. You cannot base your life on your friends. People let you down, but yet everytime i ended up running to people to "solve" my issues instead of running to Jesus. I didnt know how to have my own relationship with him it was always me tagging on to someone elses relationship with God.
So this year, this summer i need to make it me and Gods relationship and keep it that way.
Which has been working out a lot better anways because my life has been greater and more full.
So i guess im feeling more saved than ever? two years and counting.

People need to hear what has happened to me these past two years...but yet i hide.
I hide in my house.
I hide in my books.
I hide in my facebook.
I hide in my myspace.
I hide on the computer.
I hide in my flesh.

I love the Colorado people every time they come they bring such strong faith and inspiration.
They come and they talk to EVERYONE.
They can relate to everyone.
Its probably the hardest thing to do is learn that people are unique and they have their own likes and dislikes and to work around that is important. The Colorado people do they may not like the kinda clothes we wear or the kinda personality we have but, yet they still can love us.
Thats probably the one of the biggest things i want to have.
Ive been working hard to really make it apart of my life this year and its been benefiting me tremondously for the simple fact i get to learn from other people and they can learn from me as well. When your sticking to the friends you have or your sticking to just yourself theres not much to learn.
I think that learning how to communicate and make friends with whoever is a good thing for the salvation of other people as well.
Its always important to make relationships and keep pursuing them just as God keeps pursuing yourself. Dont make the new relationships you make one sided or the current ones that you do have.
I love God and how he can just blow my mind every day.
I pray that we change the 2% statistic of gospel sharing christians lets make it 100%.

Most importantly.
God has become my home.
God has become my facebook
my computer, my myspace, my music, my phone,
God is all of me and that includes every part, INSIDE and OUT.

People are people and they need Jesus.

lyrics...and quotes

I decided to post some awesome lyrics or quotes.


"It's You that I search for
It is You I can't live without
Your hope is what I long for
When nothing's left in me
It's You"-fireflight

"why god gave his life? to put motion inside my soul its bigger than cold religion its bigger than life. Love is a movement, love is a revolution."-switchfoot

"were gonna shine like stars in the universe as we hold our words of life" Kelsea

"he who trims himself to suit everyone else will soon whittle himself away" Raymond Hull

"under your stars tonight we'll live and breathe this dream" flyleaf

I give up on titling these blogs cause ive ran out of ideas...

Ive also ran out of opinions and it feels pretty good...

in a sense i have really done that but, really all i have done is realized that conversations dont always have to be so serious and it takes some of the greatest people in my life (mikaela, Kalie, and Valery) to realize that. Im so excited for the summer but, im nervous that i wont be doing much.

I love to go to peoples myspaces and see that they now have I LOVE GOD very big and bright displayed on their profiles. 

Those are the days i snap back into reality of the fact that god is working! 

I love him so much sometimes i forget to breathe.

those moments when i space out, the dangerous moments, the awesome moments, all i am doing is thinking of Jesus Christ. 

I look back on time and i realize how much i love the person i am. 

its been hard lately to really love myself, some days i feel fat, some days i feel skinny, some days i want to eat like a pig, somedays i barely eat at all, somedays i feel like a bitch and some days i feel like an angel. 

But, need to learn to just be okay with what i am and who i am. 

If i am with Jesus and i am growing with him than it shouldnt matter who i am or what i am as long as i stand for God. 

I get encouraged to know that mikaela relys on me for a lot of things... for her questions for her curiosities and her insecurities. Shes really growing on my heart in a different light now. 

She loves jesus with a passion and sometimes it makes me feel good because that kinda positive is always gonna make me smile. 

Lately all i have wanted to do is drive and listen to Bright Eyes. Driving up the mountain is always the best thing and then going down the hill to come back home is even better. 

i hate seeing people pass me by like im going super slow when im going the speed limit. 

But i realize its okay because they are gonna be the ones to get the bad consequences. 

The end.

you had a bad day....

"one thing i've learned is we never feel the heat until we get burned but we try so hard not to die sometimes we forget to appreciate life"-spill canvas

 

I get so comfortable sometimes, that i become pretty naive in a sense. 

I forgot how quickly something could go wrong...

No need to explain my horrible day just know it was horrible!

Why can't life go well for once?

I may be dramatic but im pretty damn sick of being on the defense. 

Why am i being attacked everytime i just make a decision?

I dont think that i make bad decisions because i try my best to make the decision i think god would want me to make. I hope that im not being oblivious to my problems. 

My walls have come back and I dont know how to break them down. I made some progress only for it to be thrown out the window. 

All i know is i was like this before, lethargic, but then i changed it and became just happy with myself and happy with my wonderful Lord and i wouldnt be so quick to pass judgement and I wouldnt immediately think a new friend was going to hurt me in the end but now its back to the first one. 

hah, what a way to boost self esteem and self worth right?

I am tired of hearing dont worry about it, or its okay or whatever people tell you when your sad. 

I want change and I dont know how its going to happen....I am at my wits end and I dont think i can fight for change anymore. 

exhaustion is my worst enemy and my best friend. 

I need the Lord more than i ever have before but, why do i find it so hard to trust him fully?

I know he is faithful and trustworthy and I KNOW HIM, and love him but, yet i lack full complete trust and thats probably one of the most important ones of them all. 

I am hoping and praying i finally get it together.... even if my life sucks still all i need to do is fully trust God. 

Jesus, I am ready to come home.

identity crisis? maybe?

I have come to realize that no matter how much i think that i know about myself i know absolutely nothing at all. i think i am at the stage in my life, where everything is becoming real but, not too real. I realize that who i was a year ago is not who i am today but the person i am going to be tomorrow is not what i am today? i am not sure if that makes any sense at all. I just feel like growing up but, then i realize i am just a kid. I wanna do things that are brilliant but, i dont want to get proud. I want to be perfect in weakness but, I dont want to be weak. These are normal things to be going through as a 16 year old i think but, it makes it twice as hard when you add God into the equation. I need to please him before i please myself but, also what comes along with being a teenager is the whole "its all about me" attitude. Gal i wish that you just woke up and knew who you were. I know what i stand for and that is Jesus but, I am clueless to who the person in the mirror is. So, yeah thats my life lately. 

i believe this is the best poem

Valentine for Ernest Mann

You can't order a poem like you order a taco.
Walk up to the counter, say, "I'll take two"
and expect it to be handed back to you
on a shiny plate.

Still, I like your spirit.
Anyone who says, "Here's my address,
write me a poem," deserves something in reply.
So I'll tell you a secret instead:
poems hide. In the bottoms of our shoes,
they are sleeping. They are the shadows
drifting across our ceilings the moment
before we wake up. What we have to do
is live in a way that lets us find them.

Once I knew a man who gave his wife
two skunks for a valentine.
He couldn't understand why she was crying.
"I thought they had such beautiful eyes."
And he was serious. He was a serious man
who lived in a serious way. Nothing was ugly
just because the world said so. He really
liked those skunks. So, he reinvented them
as valentines and they became beautiful.
At least, to him. And the poems that had been hiding
in the eyes of the skunks for centuries
crawled out and curled up at his feet.

Maybe if we reinvent whatever our lives give us
we find poems. Check your garage, the odd sock
in your drawer, the person you almost like, but not quite.
And let me know.

- Naomi Shihab Nye

Divine Romance

I love that song. I mean oh my gosh such an amazing song. 

yes Lord I want to sing and dance for you!

I want nothing more than people to say that girl loves jesus. 

I want nothing more than people loving Jesus!

I have fallen down but i havent given up. 

We all go through time where we just have had it our lives seem like God is just not working and he is not caring about our feelings but its not true and I know it now. 

Tonight was an awakening for me. Mikaela could have done some things other than church but she literally battled herself to get to church and i need to be an example to her otherwise that may not happen again. 

Its time to stop being selfish its time to put more attention into other people and put more effort into Gods glory. 

I want this romance with my lord my god to grow and it wont be growing if i spend more effort into myself than others. I believe strongly that if you want to grow in the Lord it starts and ends with Jesus and Jesus focused on other people. 

LORD I AM READY NOW DO WHAT YOU WILL!

these songs we sing out to the Lord are relevant and we need to practice what we preach or we need to do what we say we will. 

If it takes blood, sweat, and tears i will make it through this funk that i have been in i will not let all that i have worked for with my Jesus to perish. NO more am i going to waste my life. NO MORE.

"For You I sing I dance

Rejoice in this divine romance
Lift my heart and my hands
To show my love"

sex, drugs, and rock and roll...

Why is it that everything that is out there musically has something to do with either sex, drugs, or rock and roll?
When did life start revolving around shit like that instead of if you can actually compose real music?
Sure there are some amazing musicians but nobody pays attention to them.

Anyways, that was just me venting while listening to a radio station haha.
The real point: I feel my friends passing and going, I am really wayyy to dramatic. I get so sad over everything these days and i cant help but wonder what happened to carefree Maquel?
People can make up their own minds about who they wanna know and who they don't and i know that but somehow it still hurts all the same.
I probably should learn to just be happy with my life now not later?
If i dont set expectations i cant be upset. God is much bigger than any expectation i set and its not fair to put that on him. i have been in a funk that i cant seem to shake.which only adds to the life falling apart feeling. Hmmm....life should not be so complicated lol.

funny

i think that God is funny, in a the funniest most amazingest manner.
When everything gets haywire and you wanna just run and give up on him, it takes one day not even that to change your mind.
Hes a good God unlike any other kind of God that i have seeked before. He is even more different then he was a year ago.
Genesis is the right way to get people serious, so much so that it can save the world, with that book alone.
Revelation is the scared shitless kinda book, where you get scared but then remember the awesome savior who just happened to save you from all the horrible things that are coming.
Yay to God for staying consistent and staying amazing from beginning to end.
sometimes Genesis makes me kinda happy that sin happened, cause it makes me wonder if i would still think God was amazing if i hadnt sinned so damn much.

I am finally back on track with these blogs, they mean nothing if they arent about Jesus.

...

I hate how Satan makes it easy for people to blame dumb shit on God.

alone...

so lately, ive been alone pretty much everyday not counting school and its really put me inside my head. Im stressed because i might not have enough money for a place when im 18 which is NEXT year. I probably dont have the grades or the money for college, so i guess im going to be flippin burgers for the rest of my life. Hey! that sounds like such a wonderful future to look forward too.
I am not sure what God has planned for my life but honestly it doesnt look good at all.
God is good i dont doubt it one bit, its just i have no friends, no money, no 4.0, no time, i am finding it hard to be an optimist when your basically a loser.
I knew that my life had to get bad again, usually that happens when you think your doing alright.
what happened to my friends, i didnt think i was that bad of a person.
I am learning that family is really all you have in life, and i barely have that.

I love Jesus.
Could one person ever say that too much?
Without him I'd be one mess of a person.
My life would serve no purpose
Each breathe tooken for granted.
The things I love so much would just be things that I loved.
Now that jesus is my sole purpose for everything,
I have a purpose.
I breathe as if it were my last.
Iove things the Lord loves.
If that aint living I don't know what is?

I was stressing the other day because my dream of becoming a vet or a vet tech are probably not happening because my grades didn't seem good enough. I realize that who cares?
God has bigger and better plans if its not that and if it is then my grades will do just fine. Burn for you is an amazing song by Steele Croswhite.
"take my dreams their only in the way of what's better than I ask or imagined"
Something along those lines. Its beaufitul and I think that its very important to cling to. God has a plan for everyone, even if we don't have one for ourselves.

I love you Lord, thank you for everything, thank you for each breathe.

I am OKAY

I am no longer bitter, and i couldn't be any more happier.
To trade God on the shelf for anger was a good decision, not that i doubted it at all.
It leaves questions that are bound to be unanswered, but for once I am okay with that.
I am okay that with not eating nearly enough, I am okay with listening to any type of music,
I am okay with being by myself 99.9% of the time, I am okay that I like a boy who doesn't even acknowledge that we were friends at one point, and more importantly I am okay with who I am.
I figured out that i would rather have one good friend that is very dependable and that our friendship is firm (fortunately God has been good and provided that) then trying to have many. I can't make people talk to me, and I cannot make them pursue a friendship with me. I am fine with waiting because I have a friend in the Lord and he will provide what i need whether its many reliable friends or just one.
I am okay that i don't eat everything i need, isn't that why i started taking a multi-vitamin?
I am okay that my music style doesn't fit anybody elses, that i am free to like what I like even if nobody i know likes it as well, except for maybe Shantae cause she just likes everything haha.
I am okay with my obvious need whether it be by choice or not to be independent. I don't need to be bitter because I sit alone or I walk alone, or whatever the situation be. Anger has no place in this heart anymore and i guess i blame it on this verse
"Many will say they are loyal friends, but who can find one who is truly reliable?"
I think God gets me, and i think he gets my sense of humor?
I could not be any more satisfied with the Lord, and I don't ever wanna doubt him again.
God Bless! I love you :]

Love

love was put in a new light for me tonight.
Good thing i went to Deeper, i need that i need to be more consistent and faithful with my groups.

I love that whenever you need God he is going to be there for you, he will fix whatever it is your hurting about. I was beginning to lose sight in that, i was thinking God didnt care and that i was left to fight on my own. That is NOT true, he never leaves us, basically were stuck with him.
I love Jen Cameron for repeatedly telling me that shes glad i come even when i just sit by myself.
It encourages me to still come, still do what i know is right for me whether i like sitting there by myself or not i still should go because, screw what i like because when i like something it raises my expectations and when there not met i get into a rut haha and also its only good for me, no bad can come from learning about my God and seeing people who are in love with him.

I love being on fire, i need that again. I have come to the conclusion it is the only way to live, period.
So yeah, love, ive never felt it so much in a group since i stopped womens group but tonight it felt real to me again. I am looking forward and ive got a lot of changing to do but i am prepared because God is on my side, holding my hand all the way through the trials and hardships, and through the joys.

(nothing to do with the "topic" but whatever haha)

I was listening to this song by T.I. (hah yeah Jesus and T.I. strange)

it wasnt the verse he shared at the beginning that caught my attention it was the words he spoke...

"ive been traveling on this road so long, im just trying to find my way back home"

That just hit me right in the gut, the old me is gone and i need to just focus on the me now. I spend so many hours of my life thinking about who i used to be and some parts that i wish i could change or what not. That stuff doesnt matter anymore because i know i am a better person now, i am definitely wayyyy more committed to my Lord and that is all that matters to me. 

questions

Ever wake up wondering, about everything?
I do.
Often times it takes me forever to sleep.
What would happen if i decided that maybe the problem is i dont go back to God and ask him the very questions i lay awake asking myself...
how stupid!
for one i wouldnt be asking myself if i knew the answer.
and second I dont need answers to every question, all i need to remember that most of them are answered in Gods word and Gods word will stand forever and ever (isaiah 40:8) and if they are not then obviously there not very important and that i shouldnt worry about them.
God has got it in the back, as i have been saying lately GOD IS VICTORIOUS THEREFORE WE ARE VICTORIOUS.
So why is it so damn hard for us humans to go back to that very thought?
theres another question, and its def. got an answer,
HUMAN NATURE.
If things are easy, it often makes it difficult to accept. For example, its easy to believe in Jesus and get eternal life, but most people refuse to believe, its that easy and they pick hell over heaven... yeah weird.
but its just shows that not everything is a walk in the park, in fact the christian life is anything but that but, why not go back to the things we can be sure of instead of wasting time with superficial, artificial, temporary, whatever word you choose.
I know i want to go back to the things set in stone, not the things that disappear over night.

This world will NEVER change, its within yourself to make the changes that are pleasing to God, we are not perfect and never will be but, were not getting anywhere if we stay in our bubbles or if we just say "why do i have to change? its those people who are killers, who are rapists, who are drug dealers, etc..." we cant make anyone do anything, but we can make ourselves do something.
Lets change guys, God made the ultimate sacrifice of his only son Jesus to die on the cross for us sinners so that we could live in Gods kingdom forever, so why not?

alone

What makes someone likable?

lalalala

I wish I was an artist, so I could think like one.

do you have to let it linger?

Same thoughts running through my mind, the stupid pick up line we all laughed at is now a reality. "Are you tired? Cause you've been running through my mind all day long"
Blast the stereo, play a silly game, work out, nothing seems to cure the "love sickness"
I hate that I feel like I love you... what is love anyways?
Love is God, but what is love of people?
How does it feel?
how does it taste?
Does it feel like how great the world assumes it is?
I want to not worry about it, and just allow myself to think about him, but I'm stubborn and I find every way to fight it off....what if this battle is already won?
I don't make sense and I most definetly can't make sense of this. So for now he's just a lingering, soul in my heart.

falling in love

I have been learning a lot about myself lately.
Good and bad.
I am learning that i need to love myself before I can love other people. Its challenging, especially when the world is so analytical and judgmental. I think its been great though realizing how much I can do and that I am capable of ALL things. My mind is a powerful tool and I need to use it more. I am blessed to have Jesus who helps develop me, into the person I should be.
Ive got both shoes on and im running towards something positive.

a little reminder....

Jesus walked through the toughest alley's the most awful parts of this world. He loved the people he saw. He can do everything, he can play music, he can sing amazingly, he can move mountains, he can do ANYTHING he wanted to do but yet he still took the time to talk and love on the people who needed it most and the people who didnt need it at all. 

Why, is it so hard for everyone else to do the same. 

I mean seriously its time to fucking grow up. I am dead serious its getting to the point i cant take it anymore. Jesus wants a church that loves people, that wins the lost, that is united, that is building up believers, that is sending the sanctified, that is uncomfortable. 

I want what Jesus wants and im sure a lot of people do too. 

I dont know how to fix the problem, but i know i am not gonna be apart of the problem. 

:]

I love Jesus,
He is the source of my life.
I decided to focus a blog on him only him none of myself.
Because my blogs have been pretty selfish?

Faithwalkers was a huge blessing, God is so amazing to have allowed the conference to happen. I bet he cant wait til next year, i bet he just smiles when he hears us calling out to him with intense passion no night could top those nights with that many people pouring their hearts out to HIM.

God rejoices when we rejoice.
God mourns when we mourn.

We are never alone.

Thats a beautiful thing, God is beautiful.
I am so glad he has been flooding my mind, and im glad that my heart burns for him. I am glad that i see people just grow and grow and grow and grow and grow and that is so encouraging to know that God is at work all the time and we are blessed to be able to notice it.

I could go on all night just listing Gods amazingness but im guessing you already know just how amazing he is because each of us have our own personal relationship with God and he allows it to be so intimate no person can have the same experience as the next.

too much

today i have nothing to say.
which is odd because i usually say too much.
Sundays are always so weird and slow.
Im pretty ready for summer, i love the winter but it puts me inside my head too much.
In the summer, i can step outside camera in hand ready to capture Gods beauty on film (not really film but ya get the idea?)
I can step outside with my heart on my sleeve ready to just talk to my creator.
I can step outside and spend quality time with my family playing volleyball and watching horseshoes fly around.
In the summer, i can focus on God more because im not stressed about school and i actually get enough sleep.
That is not what i want for me though, i want to be able to focus on God the same all the time.
In struggles, in joy, in anger, in cold, in heat, in everything.
Its what my heart needs to stop wanting stupid temporary desires.

ipods and God.

I challenged myself to listen to God-approving music.
I didn't think it was gonna be so rewarding as it has been especially not this soon.
Its really gooood for the soul [my phrase lately]
Its already been clear that reading in the morning while doing school is not an option for me.
God knows that ive told him numerous times. I mean i'm sure i could do it if i tried reallly hard but, its nearly impossible to get up early enough for that.
one thing i do good in the morning is turning on my ipod.
So listening to good music that is good for the soul and reminds me that God is awesome is a must for me now. It doesn't renew my mind as much as the word will but, it does help make me think about jesus ALL day long.
Ah man Praise the Lord!

intellectual

No matter what I do God is always there.
He's like that one person who follows you around.
He is the one you try to hide from.
He is the one underneath the bed.
He hides in the closet, and he breaks into your soul.
He steals your heart.

Just like the follower, who copies your every move, lets be his follower.
And copy his moves.
Lets be so dependent on him that he feels like he wants to get away from us.
Lets get underneath the bed with him having late night conversations.
Lets leave the door to our soul open for him so he doesn't have to break it down himself.
Instead of stealing hearts, we give them willingly.

I let him do what he wants
Because what he wants is always good.

set my heart on fire

"The offered lives of the weakest ones are known to change the world"

I am in love with that line. How amazing is it to think that God loves us at our weakest and at our strongest?
We need to break down before we can offer our lives and now I get why dawnya always says "before you know the lord you have to be broken"
Prideful people can never give there whole lives to god, and that's usually the people who are having a good time.
I wanna live for christ and I am going to do it. Nothing is gonna stop me.
In sadness, I will hold onto gods hand tightly
In bitterness I will talk to god
In anger I will cry out to god
In happiness I will praise the lord
In another place I will be faithful to the lord
In all of the many emotions, places, and people I will LOVE the Lord.