Everyone had their something

I have nobody but God to love me and comfort me. It scares me to realize that.

I wanted to find it in a man. Because I've always missed it here on earth. I see people who are able to find it in this life and some of them can even find it in God as well. It makes me wonder what they're chasing. Everyone has something they're looking for. I am envious of a lot of people because of the human relationships they're able to keep. I mostly just screw up the relationships in mine. It would be nice to be able to keep one not just keep one but, keep one close.

Then again I have no idea what I want. I need to find that healthy balance between the world and God. Despite what anyone might believe or say I have realized that God is enough but, he knows each of us and he knows that while we are here on earth that we require a lot more. He knows that I am gonna fuck up constantly and that I might find ways to justify myself. When really sin is just sin. But, I can't help but think that God laughs sometimes at the dumb shit we do. I know he hurts as well but I think sometimes he has to let us figure out on our own. If he is my friend, my father than I believe he has no other choice. I am stubborn and I usually learn better from dealing with my consequences rather than believing that someone is gonna save me before anything bad happens. Because, all that does it make me question him when something bad "slips through the cracks" God lets us experience things for ourselves but, he knows when he needs to step in and help.

I know that my struggles eventually help me learn but they still suck. I hate feeling like sleep is all I have. I hate being a zombie. I hate my unhealthy habits. But, all of it reminds me that I love God and that He loves me.
It reminds me that this world is only temporary and I know where I am going when I leave and it's to paradise.

"The Lord is my shepherd I have all that I need." -Psalm 23:1

I am confused.

I think that one of the biggest frustrations for me when it comes to God, is the fact that why questions get me nowhere.
Once I start asking why I can't stop.
I don't understand God, and it doesn't help that I am struggling right now.
I've tried for years to understand the good in living with my fucked up family and I came to the conclusion I see none.
I finally got a place to stay and I was loving every minute of it, and my walk with God was going good, I was fully in love with Troy and it just seemed like everything made sense.
About around that time, I had one of the worst times of my life.
Everything came crashing down and it happened so quickly I didn't know what to do but, sleep.
All I knew is that God was there for me, and Troy was right by my side.
Somehow everything got back to decent ground, and I ended up with another amazing place to be. I loved living with Troy, I loved where things were going with us.
But, I was still struggling with God.

Now, everything is so messed up. I am still struggling with God, trying to get back to the right place again. I don't know what I want. I ask those damn why questions and that just ends up making me pissed off at someone.
All I know is that things will be okay because God is good.
I don't believe it but, he's proved me wrong before.

it's been a long time...

wow, so i have not used my blog in so long not like anyone reads it though. Anyways, my life is so different now. I read my previous posts and I don't even know the girl who posted them.
I want to get back to that place where all that mattered to me was my relationship with Christ. I miss him.
I don't want to worry about what people think of me or what people want me to do. I am going to do whatever it is I believe in, I am gonna get back to that.

The God i was believing in was a cruel and false God because the God i fell in love with is the exact opposite.
God is not a cruel heartless asshole. God is loving forgiving friend.
the only way to describe what God is like is comparing to a human friendship but knowing that it is ten times better than that.
I know God loves me for me no matter what I am doing. I know that is not an excuse to do whatever the fuck i want but at the same time i shouldn't beat myself up over every little
sinful thing that I do. Why should I do that when God forgets about it and moves on?

so, I am still lost and confused but, it shouldn't be hard to fall back in love with God. It shouldn't be hard to change my mindset and put it in the right place. But, this time around I am gonna have it a personal relationship now. Screw church, bible studies, all of that shit. I love it and I enjoy those things but, I don't wanna let it get in the way of my relationship with God.
Yes, they are a good source of info but, it is up to me how i apply it and if i apply it not anyone else.
I refuse to get mixed up in other peoples hopes for me or opinions on how life should be.

It's time to stop looking for the right way to live life, because there isn't one way to live it that fits every person. It's time to start living it and just rolling with whatever comes my way and of course, having God doing it right along with me.

Relationships

Tonight at church Relationships was the topic, which I have been struggling with all my life.
So, needless to say I was excited to learn something.

I think that I expected to learn but, all I got was a reminder of all the shitty people I have had in my life. It was a battle with myself to focus on the goal to learn something I can change about my own self, because I kept thinking of specific people in my life and what they were not doing for me. Yes it was wrong to think those thoughts but, it helped me come to this realization:
I do not need anyone other than Jesus, he is the truest friend I can have and he will never betray me or hurt me.

I am so hurt by the people I thought were my friends, The friends that supposedly loved Christ, but I don't see that in them anymore.
I see them and I see their love for the world, It is in the way they treat me, or how they treat others who don't completely fit in. I hate that and I don't want a part of it anymore.
It hurts me when I find out that they have been doing things together but, I never get an invite.
It is funny to me that I am expected to be the strong one all of the time (which is not possible) and be there for everyone and the minute I go through something hard who is there for me?
Everyone, runs away when Maquel is hurting.
All of the people I thought would be there for me like I have been for them vanish and I am left to pick up the pieces of my shattered life all alone.
I get a little hurt when I see something on facebook that I wasn't invited to, or when texts and calls go unanswered for a while, and even when I think about how much I miss them but, then I ask myself Why in the hell would I want friends like that around?
I don't. Like Mac said tonight "Quality is better than Quantity"

So, I am back to where I have always been content with just God and then the rest are a blessing, if they are the right true friends.
I am very thankful for the people who have helped me through the most overwhelming times in my life, that I am still recovering from.
I am thankful that Troy and Jenny have realized that I am human and I have breaking points and all I need is love and a shoulder to cry on.
I love God for never changing and always teaching me.

Self-Aware

I have always been a girl who is very aware of herself. I have always known what are problem areas in my life. Or at least I thought.

I recently have figured out that I am very hypocritical on the relationships I have with people. I am always feeling neglected and unimportant to the people who claim to be my friends. I am constantly pulling away from the people in my life because, I get frustrated or annoyed or tired. I am completely okay with being by myself 24/7 thats just me. It's frustrating to have friends who never call you first, never pursue you, never call you up to just talk about things, I don't like putting in all the work all the time so I end up giving up. That doesn't mean I don't care about the people or not want them in my life it is just easier to that then to keep trying and getting more frustrated by the minute.

At the same time if my friends really cared i wouldn't be going months without speaking to them which leads me to my next issue. I have a hard time with certain people that are my "friends" because, I see qualities in them that cause me to worry about their realness. I know people who will tell me how much they don't like someone but when that someone is around act like they are best friends with that person.

That irritates me because, I don't ever want to be the one that noone likes but I have no clue because everyone is being completely fake to me. I would rather know that you hate me then to be unaware. Seriously, if you don't want to be around me then make it obvious so that way I don't annoy you any more then i have to. I could care less what people think but, I don't wanna be around a bunch of people who actually hate me.

With all that being said, All of that made me realize how hypocritical I am because, God is everything that I want in a friend, he is the only true real friend I have and I take him for granted. He puts in most of the work in our relationship lately, and I am aware of it. I have not been working on it lately. He must feel exactly how i do if not worse. He is this awesome God who never gives up on his children and he is constantly involved in my and my life and I think that I should do the same for him but, I often times don't and I hated realizing that today.

That is not a fair thing to do to the number one love in my life.

By Your Side

Paul Porter played the song By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North one time at church on Friday night. I keep thinking of it over and over.

"Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you"

I can't get over how much this song is what God has to tell me constantly and most of the time it takes me weeks to hear him.
I run so far, and so fast it is ridiculous.
I don't know what to do sometimes and instead of coming to God in my weakness I run away until I feel strong enough to come back.
Which doesn't even make any sense at all because, God is how I am strong. I have my problems my struggles my brokenness and God wants to be there for me in all of it and through all of it. It is so silly for me to run.
Things these days have not been okay, and I am just realizing now for the 24th time in my life (or something like that) that God is FOR me not AGAINST me and that he is by my side always and I need to let him be there for me.
I need to let God love me.
I need to let God hold me.
I need to let God be my comfort and my strength.

Desperate

Recently, meaning today I realized something that God has been trying to teach me.
Being desperate for God is a good thing, I need to be pouring my worries, my struggles, my heartache, my everything into him and letting it make me desperate rather than running away from him into things that are not good for me.
God is using my as a tool to teach the ladies of the womens group I attend and I am assigned to teach on the passage, Luke 7:37-48. Just like Jesus was doing in that passage teaching a lesson to the pharisee he taught me that same lesson.
Learning that it's not about how little your sin is it's about how much you recognize your need for him and respond to that need by becoming DESPERATE for him. Thats something I needed to be reminded of.

I love how God works because, he wasn't just gonna stop with that. He wasn't going to just say "oh she gets it lets move on" He wants to make it stick and sink in so again I go to Women in Training and of course Mac is talking about how we are adequate with God, that Gods grace is sufficient for us, FOR ME. That goes along with it because, I always can feel inadequate I have major personal issues with that so being reminded that, i am not is soooo good for me. Realizing running away from God because i feel inadequate is not the way to get adequate. It is me relying on him to MAKE me adequate that will do the job.

I can't do this alone and I am totally desperate for my dad.

It's okay to be angry with God.

so, I have realized that I can never run away completely. Where I am God will always follow or vice versa.

You know sometimes I really really really really do not like God. I am sure most people would agree with me if they were being honsest. It's a given because the life he challenges us to is so much harder and so much less appealling then the one he tells us to abandon.

I want to do a lot of things in my life (like most people, duh) sometimes I can feel like God is the main reason I don't. I don't always like that fact. In the end, God is the reason anything in my life is being held together.

I sometimes wish Troy could be the center of my life and that I could be the center of his, Yes I do fight this quite frequently. I get jealous of his time. He can't be and I can't be either. It's a humans natural response to the person they love though it happens all the time. The only difference between me and most people is the fact that I fight it instead of giving in to it. I love him but I love my God more. The only reason I even have him in my life and the only reason I love him is because God gave me that and what better way to say thank you but, to honor God with my relationship and my ultimately my life.

I get really frustrated with God because, I have trust issues. I want God to do a lot of things for me, like get me a freaking job already. Lately, my theory on God and job searching has been greatly tested and my faith in it is hard to find. I have felt like I have given my all to him as far as trying to get a job goes and nothing has happened because of it. I am really discouraged and that makes me angry because I feel like it should have been his job to get me one not anything I have done. I am discourgaged and I just don't even want to try anymore. BUT, I do anyways because, God has shown up in the past and with other things today.

The truth of the matter is, Being angry with God is perfectly okay, staying angry with God is not. I can have these different frustrations but, really when I think about what God has done throughout my life these frustrations seem to just seem so damn small.

I read this verse last night that really made this solid for me:
"Commit everything you do to the Lord [No matter what]. Trust him and he will help you."
-Psalm 37:5

I can't ever run competely away because God is my ultimate commitment, he is my husband, my job, my house, my car, my veins, God is my life. That is not something I could turn my back on, especially over some silly frustrations because of my mistrust.

If anything these frustrations only bring me closer, how else am I supposed to work through them?