lessons

Sometimes, you have to go down the wrong path, in order to turn around and get on the right one.
Ive spent my life living on the "good" path. Obeying mostly everything...
It all got flipped around somewhere along the way and ive realized that i am not on the right path at all. The only right one is the one that i am walking on when Jesus is holding my hand.
I truly know for a fact that you have to do some bad to do some good.
If i never made mistakes, i wouldnt be able to learn anything.
So now simply the mistakes ive made, all the disobedience, the lying, the ditching class, the sneaking out, etc. Have made me stronger.
Surely, not everything has a purpose yet, but God wont just forget about it.
He has a purpose for every move, every breath, we just have to wait wait wait.
I hate waiting, im pretty impatient. but right off the bat i knew God was teaching me to wait...
and i must have forgot because he just taught me again with almost the same situation but i controlled myself a lot better.
Bless the Lord, O my soul and all that is within me
bless his holy name.

.........

Fuck.

content

its hard to be content with your life.
I am finding that out lately.
When i actually have friends who want to be around me,
i am not happy.
When i dont,
i am even more sad.
I usually stray so far away from people,
it would help if they tried to get to know me?
seriously, i have no clue what my deal is.

im the only one to blame

To tell you the truth, i am def. not looking forward to life today.
I find it funny how when i couldnt fall asleep until really late God someone manages to get me up at my favorite time. 10am.
i laughed at that.
I love how God works, even if i dont like surprises.
It reminded me of how much he wants me happy even if i dont want it for myself.
So basically now i am excited for life today.
Just thinking about it makes it a little more better.
Ill probably be in a bad mood at the end of the day but,
thats okay with me as long as its at the end.

tired and uninspired

Bleh.
thats my word of choice lately.
Its so hard, trying to be yourself these days.
I dont want to look at myself 10 years ago and say wow ive changed completely, who am i?
i wanna be able to at least recognize my own face. If that makes sense?
I wanna still be wearing skinny jeans, even when nobody else likes them anymore, because flares have came back.
I wanna still have my gauges, even when nobody else likes them.
I wanna still wear no make-up even if everyone decides its better.
I want to do what i like.
God is happy with whoever we are.
I am tired of everyone, trying to change their image, just because, well basically because theres no real reason. I mean i can look at people i love and adore and just go wow they have changed so much it would be hard to recognize them if i havent been talking to them for a year.
Its crazy, its def. an epidemic.
I wish that people could talk to people who are completely different from them, even if there are several others in the group that are exactly like them.
I for one, know how it feels to be the "black sheep" and i hate it.
It absolutely disgusts me.
I am not trying to make myself look perfect. Because ive got lots of issues to work out.
BUT.
Things still disgust me.
Its not fair to single people out, or shove them out of the way.

On another note.

I have been quite uninspired.
As in, i have not been writing about the only one that matters lately.
Jesus Christ, is something we all need. We need him around when were happy and sad.
People often pull him closer when they get upset... but i tend to push him farther away.
I guess its a sense of pride, and selfishness, he doesnt give me what i what when i want it and theres a big problem with that inside my brain so the best option (at the time) is to say see ya.
Thats not the kind of faith i want.
I want him close forever and ever through thick and thin.
i guess im slowly getting my inpiration back.

Bleh, i am tired and uninspired.
I just want to say fuck you to everybody because you all suck.
that would be the easy road.
but, that roads closed.
bare with me as i try to say i love you and you mean a lot.

for heavens sake I know your sorrrrrrry

"Sing is a song and well sing it back to you"-paramore

I feel my world moving around me, not with me like I'm thinking it should be. I need my Jesus, he is something I'm relying on more than everything else. He balances everything out. I am okay, because I'm resting in the Lord. Me and my mom are really close all of a sudden, I know she's saved. I can just feel it...if that makes sense?
I've got a lot fo reasons to be smiling, why do I always seem to be faking lately.... I wished I could turn off my feelings so I couldn't fake fall in love (new terminology for like) anymore. I'm not sure my life is supposed to make sense, or feel comfortable, and I just want the snow.
I wanna let my anger out, in a positive way, which includes, snowball fights. Maybe when I get my piano I can be more productive?

On another note: marylyn manson has a song that's called "in the valley of the shadow of death" its beautiful. In a crazy way, and mindset. I've felt like he does like he says in the song "I feel so worthless, I feel so discarded, but I know that I am not alone"
Sometimes its easy to feel so bad and so unworthy, but we can always come back to the fact were not alone and that jesus is holding us up.

My world is moving around jesus, and jesus is pulling me along with him.

:/

"rain rain go away
come back another day"

faithless.....and heartless.

So my day, started off really well, i went to school eager to learn.
I came out ready to go to church, to learn about my glorious father.
I got home, ready to cry.

I hate when you like boys, its like the most stupidest thing, because someone always gets hurt in the end.
I dont know what the right thing to do would be, since i already kinda screwed that up.
Hmm i didnt think i would care so much until today...
I feel full of faith, but sometimes i feel faithless.
My heart is so bitter sometimes, it makes me want a heart transplant.

I know i know this blog did not honor the Lord at all...
everyone can make a mistake sometime.

broken backs

I love winter, the snow, the trees, the cold, the everything. 

Most importantly its Jesus' birthday in winter. 

Snowmen are pretty amazing, i like them a lot haha idk why but something about them is mysterious. 

Which reminds me of the time when Lauren and I asked Landon, what his "favorite" thing about God is besides Grace. 

It took him forever and a day to answer but, eventually in the middle of macey's  he answered, "his mysteriousness"

I have to admit that  i hate that answer, not hate but dislike. 

Im the kind of person, who enjoys knowing what is going to happen when its going to happen. 

I am fully convinced that God is trying to teach me that, everything is in his hands and i dont need to worry about anything. 

Just by a simple Math test grade, i finally got it. 

I knew for sure i would fail or at least get a C- but, instead i got a big A, which was shocking. Then bam i was thinking about how that totally was a God thing because c'mon how the hell am i supposed to get that good of a grade when i barely understood the review just the night before. 

I didnt even ask her one question the day of the test. 

Hmmmm, yay for no stress, so i can love Jesus no complications haha. 

No more broken backs for me, just little pains every once in awhile. :]

Let the Flames Begin....

IS an amazing freaking song! 

anyways, this blog has nothing to do with that song! haha. 

So basically, my life is pretty good, i mean there are a couple of things that i would consider myself not very happy about, and kind of avoiding to be honest. 

But whats new?

i always have something wrong and im beginning to be okay with that. 

Whenever my thoughts sink in [with the exception of nighttime before sleep] I can just remember the hope i have in Christ. 

MY gratitude, for Jesus is outstanding. All i do is pray and tell God how fucking amazing he is and then

all of a sudden i forget about everything that makes me sad. 

"keep me safe inside your arms like towers they tower over me"

-paramore

that is precisely how i feel all the time now. My flame for God is really lit this time, not fake lit or whatever the hell it was before when i swear i was on fire but it lasted briefly. This is the real deal and im liking it. 

I can smile for no reason and know that is 100% because i love God. 

I find no reason to hide it anymore ill praise him no matter who i am with. 

thats a good step....i worry to much about making people angry when i should have been trusting that God would have me praise him around the right people. 

I need to become more like Paul, because people are dying. 

Its time to WAKE UP. 

were gonna shine like stars in the universe as we hold our words of life

love Kelsea's song wake up, its amazing and it gives me chills.
We are so blessed as a church to have all the musicians that we have.
I praise the Lord for them everyday.

Lauren: not only did you inspire me to write this blog, but you are amazing. you've helped me grow so much, and i wouldnt be this involved with Christ if it werent for God blessing me with you. I am excited for the future, and i am excited to watch you grow and i am excited to grow right along side of you. Keep on rockin for Jesus :]

Grandma: Some people are a mamas girl, but i am def. a grandmas girl haha. She has helped me grow up since the moment i came into this world. She is such a trooper, and through every ache and pain she has in her body she will still do what she has to do to keep this family running. Without her i truly believe our family is going to not know what to do with themselves. I love her and shes amazing.

Chalet: Your a bitch and you know it but, your alright. I love you your my sister and you can always make a funny out of everything even when i dont really want it haha. Thanks for making me feel stupid almost all the time, because you keep me from losing sight of laughing at myself.
Kevin: I havent known you for to long but you quickly became a really close friend. Your such a sweet boy, and im excited to see how much you grow in christ. Ill play halo with you anytime brother :]

Craig: You've been around since the beginning of me around the church haha. Your an amazing brother. Even when you left for that little bit i knew you'd be back stronger and wiser. Thanks for being a really great example for me. I love you brother, keeep making those noises you do that really freak me ot sometimes.

Moriah: Your like my little sister, its hard to believe we have been friends for a year now. Thats crazyness. Even though were not very close right now, i still love you a lot and im always gonna be here for you. You've grown so much, and are gonna keep going, your beautiful and I love you.
Kaylee: Your great. You were def. the one who God placed in my life to help me realize my need for him. I can never thank him or you enough for that. Im so glad your gonna be the one to help Moriah out. Like how you care for Brenna, i care for Moriah and i am so glad she has you in her life. I love you sister.

Mikaela: I love you. You know how much i care for you. Whenever your sad, im sad, when your happy im happy. I just want you to know that i will always be here. No matter what. Im just a phone call away. I worry about you, but i know your a strong girl. Dont give up hope. I love you :] your gorgeous.

Mayday Parade, should be christians

because then this song would mean a lot more to me. haha.
"And yeah, we all fall to piecesBut at least you fell to me"
-mayday parade

God falls to us, as we fall apart. No matter where we are in our life, he comes to our level because he loves us that much.
I love my God, he never ceases to amaze me.
Having a bad day?
Pray.
it all goes away.
yes i rhyme sometimes, hahaha.
Oh man im glad God loves me cause, idk who in the world loves to hear me sing or rhyme for him as much as he does.
Thank God im here, and Thank God i find peace when i am relying on him.

falling apart, barely breathing, with a broken heart thats still beating

hmm, lifehouse title much?
i just went on a tangent with that, it was originally supposed to be called falling apart, flying happy or some stupid lame stuff like that.
Anyways,
Church was good, I didnt want to socialize which is not a good thing but, sometimes those days happen. God is amazing, I didnt want to watch babies tonight, i wasnt feeling up in tip top shape yesterday, but i was willing to do it because duh is for GOD, then we got one baby and she cried forever and her mom came and got her and so we didnt even have to do it. WOW aint that amazing.
I was bummed though, cause spending time with Kaylene is always good and serving the Lord is the best part.
Basically, the sermon was convicted as ever, cause i am quite the opposite of Paul. But one thing i needed to be reminded of was SUCK IT UP, haha i was being a baby and then Mac was just like suck it up i had to suck it up and i was just like me tooo brother me too.
it was kind of like a mutual heart to heart moment well of course im kidding cause thats just a little bit creepy but, you know what i mean (hopefully)
so yeah that was my night of church.
Fellowship still trying to enjoy everynight, God is easy to enjoy :]

honor god?

I strive to love God and i strive to do all things that he would want me to be doing.
but yes i fail.
All i want is to honor him because he is def. honorable, am i honoring him all the time or just occasionally?
that is the question we need to ask ourselves more often.
Often times the things we do are not sin but they often get in the way of something to make it sin.
Like texting in school, texting is not a sin but not respecting the authority is.
God does not smile when we do that.
There are a lot of things like that and i need to evaluate my life a little closer.

How could i have been so selfish?

somehow, the Lord showed me how selfish i am being in this situation i have came across AGAIN, i dont know how i got that out of a grace teaching but somehow i did.
probably because, if i didnt have grace id be going to hell for being so selfish.
Uh, obviously in every situation you can always count on the Lord to help you through.
I have been very selfish in these two ways:
1. not praying for anything related to this situation just kinda keeping it secret cause i felt the need to do that... which is terrible
2. not praying that God will use me in this situation.

so either way it was a baddddd choice i made. I dont want hearts to break tonight, nor any other night. So Lord, i pray you change my heart tonight.

"Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life. I'm back home in the house of God for the rest of my life. "
AMEN LORD

You can always find the positive

the words of advice i give to lots of people, well maybe just a few but anyways, it is you can always find the positive in every situation.

i guess i haven't said it in awhile cause it nearly forgot it until someone told me that tonight haha.

maybe, i can always find the positive but the positive doesn't always find me?

thats my lazy excuse.

pathetic.

i try telling myself it doesn't matter, that nothing will change how they are... but yet it still hurts knowing you've let the people you love grow so far away...

i try to tell myself a lot of things, and it usually falls to pieces that way.

"maybe if i could settle down, find for me a friend who will stick around"

those are the lyrics circling inside my mind...

I wish i were older, married, with kids maybe?

or just old enough to have my dream one bedroom apartment, with Lauren?

we could decorate it all spastic and cool and have a bedroom like zachary and matt have.

So when i get fed up with my life (like i always do) i could move furniture around until i feel happy.

or i could blast the stereo and sing praises to the Lord until my throat gives out.. and maybe even when that happens

still keep going. To bad im only 16...

one minute i could care less, the next i care a lot...

im frustrated, and hurt, and sick all at the same time

bleh

real verses fake

We are living in a material world and i am a material girl-madonna

the first part is def. true but, the second i hope to God its not.
I am who i am and nothing will change that. I feel like sometimes it gets in the way
i have noticed that people often shrug off whatever you say if its about Jesus or
anything relating to something good.
Its starting to get annoying cause really all i wanna talk about is Jesus, because
he is worthy of that.
I could care less about what you wanna look like, or who you want to marry, or what food do you wanna eat tomorrow, or how gross your hair is, or any of that junk.
I myself am guilty of doing stuff like that. Its up to me to bring up Jesus I cant wait around expecting someone else to because in reality nobody else does.
(at least that is a good mindset to have)
So im ready to change myself, now lets see how i follow through with it.
I pray the Lord will show me how to be real in a world that is so fake.

REAl, sick days

today i was reallly sick, which is surprising cause i never get sick... Im thinking not eating for a day is a very BAD idea. 

It was my fault that i didnt eat. I take the blame. 

I love to pray, it makes me feel so awesome. 

I love to serve, i can feel the Lord smiling. 

I hate to love people.... and thats the problem. 

evan almighty really relevant?

I watched Evan Almighty today, and it was pretty interesting.
It may not seem very relevent but being the investigator I am I tried to find something I could take from it. So when "God" was telling evans wife something at the diner it was amazing!
"When you ask for patience does God give you patience or does he give you an opportunity to be patient, when you ask for courage does God give you courage or does he give you opportunities to be courageous"
I thought it was an amazingly relevant scene. Its so true we can ask ask ask and think were not getting any answers but really we do get them, often not in the form were expecting. For me its easy to just stick to what I want and I simply lose the opportunities God gives me. Recently, I've gotten into arguements easily and I've just been waiting for God to just to take it away but its a give and take relationship. We've been given free will, but it is important to still rely on God but also doing what God asked.

would you like some stress with that life?

Hah yeah clever title...psh yeah right.
I love my lifgroup small group thing. I look forward to getting to know people. Somehow tetris can become related to Jesus and people apparently play in weird ways. School, and home life is the most stressful part to anything. The term is ending I don't know if I can get my grades to go up in time. I have 2 tests tomorrow I'm not prepared for and I've got deeper that evening. I need a break from life. Could somebody trade me spots?

hot chocolate

yeah its pretty much the best that and raw milk.
I wanna be healthy sometimes but idk i think just because of the raw milk and whatever that Ezekiel tortilla was haha. I wanna play clue forever and spend some time with apples to apples [i lose all the time] Late night conversations about scary stuff is always pretty crazy. Watching better off dead was the kind of keep to yourself funny. Driving around in kevins car going a million miles an hour. Not knowing where my phone went and not getting on the internet. Trying to be quiet and then dropping things loudly on the floor. Laughing like a goat and smiling til my cheeks hurt. Praising God as loudly as i can and not give a crap if my voice is off key. Spending time at the Peery's just listening to the conversations that are about random stuff and then serious stuff. Going to the Camerons when we were originally going to kevins. Playing with Miss Mittens the cat that does not like me very much. Learning alll about the bad stuff in bad food. Folding laundry and not doing a great job. Going to movies. Going on walks. Praying in groups all the time. Going to school and learning important stuff even when you feel like noones around. Blasting the radio, singing our hearts out, late night trips to walmart playing dress up and riding little boy bikes. yeah thats what i want to be doing for a long time.
Praise you Lord for you are good, your faithful love endures forever.

ahhh.

 My weekend was fantastic it was the most fun ive had in my life. I feel like myself is coming back because im making friends, being happy, singing loud and proud in worship, burning up for Jesus, serving with a whole servants heart, etc. I love Jesus, no doubt about that but i was soo frozen. Staying the same for months. Now im noticing change and i love that. Jesus can change your heart you just gotta let him do it. I was not letting him therefore no change but im letting him now and i am loving every second i still have a lot to go and then ill have more but, for now im very satisfied  and ready to make more friends and get them excited for Jesus. Man Jesus is the most incredibly thing ever not even milk can compare. Ive learned to trust him a lot more. IF im upset i put on worship songs and sing my heart out and all of a sudden im not upset anymore, i used to put my God into a box a tiny little box and id lock that box but now its open unlocked and the key is thrown away.  NOt trying to glorify myself at alll but to glorify the awesome holy righteous GOD of the universe! He did it all!

this world has nothing for me.

Hah no crazy analogies this time.

I was such a little buttt today, complaining all over the place. Idk word vomit I guess was just happening. I feel like today went by tooo fast and that eating nothing and getting no sleep is not healthy, I think I'm dying haha. Jk. I was amazing by what God was doing with church and myself tonight. I mean holy snap it was PACKED. There was definately coldness but still smiling faces (mostly). I was so tired of hearing about money but then tonight I was gettng stabbed in the chest over and over and I'm so thankful for that. Gosh all this time I've been thinking I am good with my money but I'm not. In some ways its a good thing I lost my wallet. I'm excited for faithwalkers ahhhh I get to go this year woot woot. No buckets though :( I need some major sleep or I might die plus I forgot. I cannot make up my mind about the overnighter on the 18th... I've gotta pray for sure.
Anyways haha my mind just exploded have a good night.

fall weather

I like the fall, its my favorite, the beautiful brown, orange, and yellow leaves falling to the ground slowly. I love that. I think trees in general are something i admire they are such awesome works of art created by the Lord. Right now they remind me of Roots, well of course its because they have them, but also because of their strength. As a church we need to have strength. Satan comes down on us real hard these days and if we cant have the strength to pull through we are not gonna get very far as a church. In the fall the leaves begin to fall off until eventually there are no more leaves to fall down and just confirms the fact that we are all apart of a tree and were each a leaf, we can begin to slip and then fall off but then we have the strength by the tree[jesus] to grow back up in our faith. A big part of that is nutrients and water and all that jazz which is like us helping eachother out, feeding eachother nutrients so that way we can grow back. I dont know maybe thats dumb but its whats on my mind right at this moment. 

Teeth, and life.

Teeth are the worst, Sometimes i wonder why God created us to have them, and receive cavities. If we didnt have cavities then there would be no need for dentist and no annoying mouth surgery. Then just now i realized that we abuse our teeth, therefore we have a consequence. Just like if we sin we have a consequence. So i was thinking real hard about it and it makes total sense that teeth arent really that big of a deal compared to other things (teeth is definetly not sin). If we shove our face with candy and soda pop then obviously we might get a cavity but if we brush brush brush and eat good healthy foods then no problems. If we fill our minds with wicked thoughts then eventually we will end up doing the sin we are thinking about doing. Sorry my mind kinda goes crazy and i dont write good.